As I am preparing for my trip back to Malibu to visit my BLR peeps this weekend (and go to the Biggest Loser Finale), the nerves are taking over my body. I found myself visibly shaking tonight as I text-messaged Cara and Amanda tonight to give them a little insight into the craziness that has seeped into the transoms of my mind. I'm scared. Cara and Amanda have been so dedicated and have seen fabulous results. I, on the other hand, am noticeably headed in the wrong direction.
The last time I wrote in this blog was March 25. Since then, I have done very little that is good for my body. I've only averaged 2-3 days per week in the gym and I'm eating like complete crap. I would venture a guess that I've been consuming 3000+ calories every day and very little of it is nutritious, especially at night. I've had more french fries in the last three weeks than I've had in the previous three years... I've even eaten fast food! (In N Out Burger - protein style, but still!)... AND... I succumbed to donuts. Not just one... not two... not three... but FOUR! Yes, FOUR! And in about 10 minutes! I went into sugar shock and passed out for three hours afterward. Ridiculous.
Did I mention this was just two days after I ran a 5K? Ugh... and my poor roommate has been trying like crazy to snap me out of this funk, bless her heart!
So, here I sit, on my couch, 8 pounds heavier than I was a month ago. I haven't tracked calories (in or out), I haven't put in the time for stretching, strength training, or cardio. Most importantly, I haven't written in my blog out of sheer embarrassment. I didn't want to reveal that I'd fallen so hard and fast, and I didn't want to seem like a fraud. I didn't want to face what's happening to me. But, here it is in black and white:
I am sabotaging myself with food so that I can blame "being fat" for any short-comings or misgivings in my life.
If I know this, why can't I stop it? How do others seemingly never go through this? You would think that the fact that my back is doing so well, and that I can finally be active (after barely being able to walk for the last several years) would be enough! I still remember how awful it was to not be able to run or even sit for any length of time! Why wouldn't I be doing everything possible to prevent it from happening again? I don't get it... I'm not quite sure how to get out of this vicious cycle.
Now I have to face all the people that may be expecting that I did as well as they have! They will all be passing me up on the hikes and kicking my butt at all the activities. I'm so nervous, that I almost canceled my trip today... I just don't want people to see me like this. However, I read something Betty wrote today about this trip being "the kick in the butt we need" to get serious about this again... I hope she's right.
Suffice it to say that I see some great big hugs and a few tears in my near future.
Love to you all, BLR Babes and Studs! Oh, and V44L :) <Meg - You're an honorary member, so don't get your knickers in a bunch> Hee hee
See you on the fit side! (Once I dust off my ticket for that ride)
-Heather
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wait for meeeee!!!!!!
Crash! Rollllll..... Thump thump, screeeeech! Thump thump!
Yup. That was the sound of me falling off the wagon, my body rolling under the wheels and the driver backing up over me to finish the job. Damn you, wagon! <Dusting myself off and rubbing the wheel impressions off my forehead>
I have had a full-on relapse with food.
Although I haven't gained weight on the scale, I know I've lost muscle and my nutrition leaves a lot to be desired. I'm currently 178 lbs at 5'9, between a size 10 and size 12.... just like I was a month ago. But, unlike a month ago, I'm not happy.
I have spurts where I feel like I'm getting back on track, but life inevitably gets "in the way".... because I let it....
First, I pinched a nerve in my neck. I was still working out, but not nearly as hard or as much. Then, I noticed myself reverting back to my old way of thinking ("I'll share dessert with someone and just run more tomorrow", "I haven't been to this restaurant in ages, so I'm going to have my favorite dish just this once", "I'll just order healthy toppings on my pizza", "It's _____'s birthday" etc.) The problem is, even when I'm sharing dessert, I'm more of a hoarder than a sharer; My favorite dish could feed a small village; Pizza is...well.... pizza; and it could be Groundhog Day and I'll be celebrating Spring's Birthday. Ugh.
I also loved going out in new clothes and showing off my new figure- this has led to more drinking than would be appropriate for weight loss. Drinks are flowing and I have a problem with saying no to a free drink. Plus, most of my friends are bartenders. Bad combo.
AND, as of two weeks ago, my sugar addiction is back in full force and I've consumed dessert every day for the past week, sometimes twice per day. I haven't been recording my caloric intake or burn, but I would estimate that I've been consuming approximately 2500 - 3000 calories per day, and burning 800 - 1000 calories per day. This is not good.
To top it off, I started taking for granted that I had no pain in my back.... until Saturday morning this week. I wore heels all night Friday night (something I have repeatedly been told is atrocious for a person with my back injury, but what else do you wear with skinny jeans aside from boots???). Saturday morning, that all-too-familiar pain was back. Dr. Ray warned me that I couldn't go more than a few days without very specific exercises that strengthen my core and back, or else my muscles would no longer be supporting my discs and the pain would return. And boy, did it!
This was my wake up call! I headed straight to the gym to start the core exercises again. However, I still did not eat well yesterday or today and my arm is sitll annoyingly numb and painful from the pinched nerve. (No excuses, right? I make my own decisions and I have to live with the consequences. There's always a way to accomplish a goal, no matter how great the obstacle.)
Logically, I know how to stop the madness and get back on track, but part of me feels so out of control, I almost feel like I need BLR again. I'm also ashamed enough of my lack of progress, that I'm avoiding a lot of my BLR friends and I miss them dearly.
<Ironic side note: As I was writing the paragraph above, Betty text messaged me! If that isn't a sign, I don't know WHAT is!>
Regardless, I am going to try to start journaling/blogging again and be accountable for my progress or lack thereof.
Sorry I've been away so long, mostly out of a combination of shame and depression, but I hope (if nothing else) this post helps someone out there who has struggled and almost given up completely. It's never too late to start again and I remind myself every day that I'm only one workout away from a good mood.
This is much more difficult than I anticipated when I was leaving BLR.
BUT, for today, I am deciding to not let the past month define me, nor will it determine my future.
See you on the fit side!
~Heather
I have had a full-on relapse with food.
Although I haven't gained weight on the scale, I know I've lost muscle and my nutrition leaves a lot to be desired. I'm currently 178 lbs at 5'9, between a size 10 and size 12.... just like I was a month ago. But, unlike a month ago, I'm not happy.
I have spurts where I feel like I'm getting back on track, but life inevitably gets "in the way".... because I let it....
First, I pinched a nerve in my neck. I was still working out, but not nearly as hard or as much. Then, I noticed myself reverting back to my old way of thinking ("I'll share dessert with someone and just run more tomorrow", "I haven't been to this restaurant in ages, so I'm going to have my favorite dish just this once", "I'll just order healthy toppings on my pizza", "It's _____'s birthday" etc.) The problem is, even when I'm sharing dessert, I'm more of a hoarder than a sharer; My favorite dish could feed a small village; Pizza is...well.... pizza; and it could be Groundhog Day and I'll be celebrating Spring's Birthday. Ugh.
AND, as of two weeks ago, my sugar addiction is back in full force and I've consumed dessert every day for the past week, sometimes twice per day. I haven't been recording my caloric intake or burn, but I would estimate that I've been consuming approximately 2500 - 3000 calories per day, and burning 800 - 1000 calories per day. This is not good.
To top it off, I started taking for granted that I had no pain in my back.... until Saturday morning this week. I wore heels all night Friday night (something I have repeatedly been told is atrocious for a person with my back injury, but what else do you wear with skinny jeans aside from boots???). Saturday morning, that all-too-familiar pain was back. Dr. Ray warned me that I couldn't go more than a few days without very specific exercises that strengthen my core and back, or else my muscles would no longer be supporting my discs and the pain would return. And boy, did it!
Logically, I know how to stop the madness and get back on track, but part of me feels so out of control, I almost feel like I need BLR again. I'm also ashamed enough of my lack of progress, that I'm avoiding a lot of my BLR friends and I miss them dearly.
<Ironic side note: As I was writing the paragraph above, Betty text messaged me! If that isn't a sign, I don't know WHAT is!>
Regardless, I am going to try to start journaling/blogging again and be accountable for my progress or lack thereof.
Sorry I've been away so long, mostly out of a combination of shame and depression, but I hope (if nothing else) this post helps someone out there who has struggled and almost given up completely. It's never too late to start again and I remind myself every day that I'm only one workout away from a good mood.
This is much more difficult than I anticipated when I was leaving BLR.
BUT, for today, I am deciding to not let the past month define me, nor will it determine my future.
See you on the fit side!
~Heather
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