As I am preparing for my trip back to Malibu to visit my BLR peeps this weekend (and go to the Biggest Loser Finale), the nerves are taking over my body. I found myself visibly shaking tonight as I text-messaged Cara and Amanda tonight to give them a little insight into the craziness that has seeped into the transoms of my mind. I'm scared. Cara and Amanda have been so dedicated and have seen fabulous results. I, on the other hand, am noticeably headed in the wrong direction.
The last time I wrote in this blog was March 25. Since then, I have done very little that is good for my body. I've only averaged 2-3 days per week in the gym and I'm eating like complete crap. I would venture a guess that I've been consuming 3000+ calories every day and very little of it is nutritious, especially at night. I've had more french fries in the last three weeks than I've had in the previous three years... I've even eaten fast food! (In N Out Burger - protein style, but still!)... AND... I succumbed to donuts. Not just one... not two... not three... but FOUR! Yes, FOUR! And in about 10 minutes! I went into sugar shock and passed out for three hours afterward. Ridiculous.
Did I mention this was just two days after I ran a 5K? Ugh... and my poor roommate has been trying like crazy to snap me out of this funk, bless her heart!
So, here I sit, on my couch, 8 pounds heavier than I was a month ago. I haven't tracked calories (in or out), I haven't put in the time for stretching, strength training, or cardio. Most importantly, I haven't written in my blog out of sheer embarrassment. I didn't want to reveal that I'd fallen so hard and fast, and I didn't want to seem like a fraud. I didn't want to face what's happening to me. But, here it is in black and white:
I am sabotaging myself with food so that I can blame "being fat" for any short-comings or misgivings in my life.
If I know this, why can't I stop it? How do others seemingly never go through this? You would think that the fact that my back is doing so well, and that I can finally be active (after barely being able to walk for the last several years) would be enough! I still remember how awful it was to not be able to run or even sit for any length of time! Why wouldn't I be doing everything possible to prevent it from happening again? I don't get it... I'm not quite sure how to get out of this vicious cycle.
Now I have to face all the people that may be expecting that I did as well as they have! They will all be passing me up on the hikes and kicking my butt at all the activities. I'm so nervous, that I almost canceled my trip today... I just don't want people to see me like this. However, I read something Betty wrote today about this trip being "the kick in the butt we need" to get serious about this again... I hope she's right.
Suffice it to say that I see some great big hugs and a few tears in my near future.
Love to you all, BLR Babes and Studs! Oh, and V44L :) <Meg - You're an honorary member, so don't get your knickers in a bunch> Hee hee
See you on the fit side! (Once I dust off my ticket for that ride)
-Heather
