I am sitting on a plane, reflecting upon the last few days, as the sun peers up over the ocean and the New York City skyline. I love the way the rays dart through the morning haze as if to promise me there is a greater power doing everything possible to bring light and brightness into my morning. For a city that never sleeps, New York sure is beautiful when everyone else is just waking up. It’s currently 4:30 AM in California and I’m heading home after a whirlwind extended weekend of fun and a little romance.
It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed my heart to feel the happiness I’ve felt over the past few days. But, I wanted to make sure I enjoyed every minute that was granted to me, just in case it was a one-time occurrence. I have to give myself a lot of credit! My psychologist at BLR helped me to discover that I was not living in the moment, prior to working on bettering myself. Lately, I have been making a concerted effort to do the exact opposite and really pay attention to “now.”
Naturally, because it is Valentine’s Day, I am also thinking about love and what it has meant to me in my life. There are days when I absolutely love my life and I’m thankful for everything in it. There are days that I wish I could numb myself to sleep so that I don’t have to feel anything or think about what might have been, but may never be (I call these my "stinkin' thinkin' days")…. And there are days like today, where my heart is aflutter with joy and anticipation, but my stomach is in knots because it fears the journey my heart wants to take. However, I am happy and excited about life! Allow me to provide some background into my emotional quotient:
I grew up believing families were supposed to be like The Cleavers or The Huxtables. Contrary to many of my friends’ families, I wasn’t exposed to fighting, arguing, and disrespect between my parents. My parents took disagreements behind closed doors and had “discussions.” Up to this day, I have never seen them fight. They love each other, they date, and they respect each other. Most importantly, they've grown together (with a lot of work and evolving) instead of growing apart over 40+ years.
My mom was an at-home Betty Crocker-style mom who always cooked hearty breakfasts every morning and a balanced meal for dinner every night. The family sat at the dining table together to eat. No TV and no other distractions allowed. She decided to quit her job to raise three children and my dad worked tirelessly as a laborer for a retail food chain to support the entire family. I didn’t know it at the time, but we had absolutely no money. Knowing now what my parents had to do and sacrifice to provide for their children, and ensure we had the same opportunities as others in life with money, I honestly don’t know how they accomplished all that they did.
I don’t remember “wanting” for anything until I was an older, bratty, selfish teenager who felt inexplicably entitled, misunderstood, and disadvantaged in life. I shiver to even type this because it pains my heart to know that I ever hurt my parents in any way. Yet, throughout our upbringing, they managed to stay together, grow together, love each other, and show complete respect for each other.
My dad has always been my protector. I always thought about how lucky I was to have a super dad who was pretty darned bad-ass. He was strong, tall, muscular, and had a way of intimidating ill-intented people. Everyone in the neighborhood knew that he would turn into the Incredible Hulk if someone laid a hand on me. He would scare off boys that were mean to me and was always the first to my aid if I got hurt. Granted, my mom would tell you I was a “big baby” growing up, so it was hard for her to tell when I was actually hurt, versus when I was looking for attention, but somehow my dad always seemed to know the difference. In 6th grade, I had a lot of pain in my shoulder after being tackled on the soccer field. Mom thought I was complaining to get out of doing the dishes. Dad thought otherwise and took me to the hospital. I had a broken collar bone... Around the time of my 14th birthday, my abdomen felt like a little monster was inside, ripping apart my organs. Mom thought I just had cramps and kept feeding me Advil, even though I told her it wasn’t “that time.” Dad took one look at me, and carried me out the door to the emergency room. I had appendicitis and it was ready to burst.
Dad also tried to protect me emotionally. When I was about 22 years old, I was visiting my parents’ home and my dad hired my then-boyfriend (Corey) of two years, to do some extensive re-wiring to his entertainment system. Corey was almost 3 hours late and I could see my dad was frustrated. When Corey arrived, I asked why he was late and I tried to explain that my dad had plans and I considered it disrespectful to not at least call to say he was delayed. Corey snapped at me, told me to mind my own business, and somehow (I forget how), made me believe it was my fault, and that it was the last time he’d ever do a “favor” for my family. I was so hurt, I ran into the garage and sat on the steps, sobbing with my head in my arms. I had no idea that my dad had heard the whole interaction.
My dad found me in the garage, came up behind me and simply said, “I know you like this guy, but Heather, I would NEVER treat your mother that way.” He patted me on the shoulder and left. I have never forgotten that moment. Why, after seeing such a great example of how a couple in love should treat each other, was I willing to endure even the slightest emotional mistreatment? Why was it so difficult to find a relationship like my parents’? With an ideal like them to live up to, dating has been a challenge, to say the least.
For some reason, the reality of love and relationships is more vivid and hitting me harder this year than it has in the past. Maybe it’s because my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I’m being forced to face his mortality? He’s always been a pillar of super-human strength and tremendous character for me…. My super hero… Maybe it’s because my last serious relationship was so tumultuous (every time I hear the song, “Love the Way You Lie” and Eminem sings, “It’s like when a tornado meets a volcano”… that reminds me of that relationship). Or, maybe I’m just getting older?
Whatever the case, I tend to think about my dad and my family when I think of my past relationships and what I hope my future will hold. I go to bed at night and I envision my heart will soon be full with the love of a good man. There are so many reminders of a slightly empty heart, waiting for its complement: A smile from a stranger. A conversation on a plane. Children laughing as they play. Couples holding hands… and alas, Valentine’s Day, or as I saw it termed on Facebook, “National Singles Awareness Day.” So funny, but...Word.
As the days go by, the visions of love slowly fade, but the desire to live the dream becomes more intense when I allow myself to pay attention to it. It’s like that good dream for which you desperately try to fall back to sleep, if only to have the experience for one more moment. I've been in love before, but it has been a very very long time.
I think about the path I've wandered through life and it's not that I have regrets... I just want to start the next chapter and do it with my new-found self, and soon. I want to grant my heart and soul the love I deserve, and I want my dad to be able to walk me down the aisle before it’s too late, knowing I have a man in my life who will take just as good care of me as he has. For now, I am taking care of my own heart and trying with all my might to keep it open and receptive to love.
For everyone who has someone to love today, celebrate your love and be sure to express to them why you fell in love with them in the first place! Be thankful for what you have and try not to dwell on what you are “missing.” I guarantee you there is someone out there who would gladly trade places with you. Thank you to all my friends and family for giving me so much love over the years! I love you all! I may be single on this holiday, but I had a pretty darned good weekend, where I felt special and cared for. For that, I have every reason to celebrate today in my own way.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
See you on the fit side!
-Heather
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