Misery is optional! (But it's a tough option to ignore!)

I'm slowly making my way back to positivity! Lately, I've been thinking about how I was so sure of myself when I left Biggest Loser Resort. I was going to conquer my weight issues once and for all! I had just spent an obscene (for me) amount of money on gaining the tools and knowledge to turn fitness into a lifestyle and I was hungry for it!!! It seemed that nothing could stop me! Why is it that just 6 short months later, it became a painfully difficult and arduous task to regain motivation? How could my perspective have changed so drastically?

So, on Monday, I started thinking about life changes... mostly because of the "I'm getting married" conversation I had with my friend... and it dawned on me:
Here was a guy that was on the verge of suicide just three months earlier. Aside from his attitude and address, not much else has changed in his life since then; He still has conflict with his mom, his dad is still dying, he is still struggling with substance abuse (although he is now 40+ days sober! woo hoo!), he has no job, no car, and no real prospects... but he's LIVING! He's happy, motivated, confident, and knows in his heart that his path leads to somewhere positive! What changed for him? How did he get out of his depression? What can I learn from his experience?

I had a bit of a wake-up call! It's my attitude! My choices in how I respond to situations! My attitude and choices have sucked since about mid-February... coincidentally, right about the time I stopped losing weight, stopped writing regularly in my blog, and stopped being consistent with my regimen. I fell into somewhat of a pity-a-thon and a pretty hefty depression.

This is a bit embarrassing, but I'm just going to say it:
I have fought with depression for years, but thought I had a pretty good handle on it for the last few decades... until February of this year. All the forgotten feelings of loneliness, emptiness, despair, and worthlessness, came flooding back, with a vengeance. A vengeance that had built up for years and years and years, just waiting to reveal itself in full force. The logical side of my brain was telling me to not let emotion overrule my thoughts, and to just systematically go about life as though my routine were tasks on a checklist - eventually I HAD to snap out of it. But, as the depression deepened, I found myself bargaining internally to just get out of bed... to get off the couch... to stop eating junk...even to brush my hair. All simple things, but they seemed like painstaking chores in the moments I faced them. When this feeling lasted longer than just a few days, then weeks, then months...I had to admit to myself that I was no longer in control. Logic wasn't working to snap me out of it, and I needed help to cope. So, I sought help.

Going to my appointments gave me a reason to get out of bed at least once per week. The distance to the appointment gave me a reason to run there and back. I refuse to take medication, so I was warned that my mental state was "in the basement" and without medication, it may take awhile to get back to "the first floor." As of two days ago, it felt like I reached that first floor! Ironically, after hearing something that made me very sad! There are still many floors above me, and I know I have to take the stairs, but at least I'm out of that dark, dank, smelly basement!

What better time to get a tattoo??? I fight with various struggles every day. Sometimes I win, but I never fail, because I'll never give up. If I get knocked down 99 times, I'm getting up 100 times.

For those that are around me often, you probably got tired of hearing me say things like, "I'm going to get a tattoo on my back that symbolizes my struggles, triumphs, and hard work." Well, I started it last night! I have a long way to go, as it will eventually trail down to my hip area and the cherry blossoms will be colored in, but I really like it so far. To make it even more special, my bestie that is getting married will be coming with me to my next tattoo appointment and we will be getting tatt'd up together! He's getting a tattoo of his sobriety date. <very cool> We both thought it would make our tattoos more meaningful if we made it a memory of being with each other and supporting each other through the "pain," much as we have in life over the last several months.

Even now, as only a partial tattoo, I love that it reminds me every day, that light can be found in darkness, peace can be found in chaos, and happiness can be found in misery.

One day at a time!

See you on the fit side!
~Heather