Misery is optional! (But it's a tough option to ignore!)

I'm slowly making my way back to positivity! Lately, I've been thinking about how I was so sure of myself when I left Biggest Loser Resort. I was going to conquer my weight issues once and for all! I had just spent an obscene (for me) amount of money on gaining the tools and knowledge to turn fitness into a lifestyle and I was hungry for it!!! It seemed that nothing could stop me! Why is it that just 6 short months later, it became a painfully difficult and arduous task to regain motivation? How could my perspective have changed so drastically?

So, on Monday, I started thinking about life changes... mostly because of the "I'm getting married" conversation I had with my friend... and it dawned on me:
Here was a guy that was on the verge of suicide just three months earlier. Aside from his attitude and address, not much else has changed in his life since then; He still has conflict with his mom, his dad is still dying, he is still struggling with substance abuse (although he is now 40+ days sober! woo hoo!), he has no job, no car, and no real prospects... but he's LIVING! He's happy, motivated, confident, and knows in his heart that his path leads to somewhere positive! What changed for him? How did he get out of his depression? What can I learn from his experience?

I had a bit of a wake-up call! It's my attitude! My choices in how I respond to situations! My attitude and choices have sucked since about mid-February... coincidentally, right about the time I stopped losing weight, stopped writing regularly in my blog, and stopped being consistent with my regimen. I fell into somewhat of a pity-a-thon and a pretty hefty depression.

This is a bit embarrassing, but I'm just going to say it:
I have fought with depression for years, but thought I had a pretty good handle on it for the last few decades... until February of this year. All the forgotten feelings of loneliness, emptiness, despair, and worthlessness, came flooding back, with a vengeance. A vengeance that had built up for years and years and years, just waiting to reveal itself in full force. The logical side of my brain was telling me to not let emotion overrule my thoughts, and to just systematically go about life as though my routine were tasks on a checklist - eventually I HAD to snap out of it. But, as the depression deepened, I found myself bargaining internally to just get out of bed... to get off the couch... to stop eating junk...even to brush my hair. All simple things, but they seemed like painstaking chores in the moments I faced them. When this feeling lasted longer than just a few days, then weeks, then months...I had to admit to myself that I was no longer in control. Logic wasn't working to snap me out of it, and I needed help to cope. So, I sought help.

Going to my appointments gave me a reason to get out of bed at least once per week. The distance to the appointment gave me a reason to run there and back. I refuse to take medication, so I was warned that my mental state was "in the basement" and without medication, it may take awhile to get back to "the first floor." As of two days ago, it felt like I reached that first floor! Ironically, after hearing something that made me very sad! There are still many floors above me, and I know I have to take the stairs, but at least I'm out of that dark, dank, smelly basement!

What better time to get a tattoo??? I fight with various struggles every day. Sometimes I win, but I never fail, because I'll never give up. If I get knocked down 99 times, I'm getting up 100 times.

For those that are around me often, you probably got tired of hearing me say things like, "I'm going to get a tattoo on my back that symbolizes my struggles, triumphs, and hard work." Well, I started it last night! I have a long way to go, as it will eventually trail down to my hip area and the cherry blossoms will be colored in, but I really like it so far. To make it even more special, my bestie that is getting married will be coming with me to my next tattoo appointment and we will be getting tatt'd up together! He's getting a tattoo of his sobriety date. <very cool> We both thought it would make our tattoos more meaningful if we made it a memory of being with each other and supporting each other through the "pain," much as we have in life over the last several months.

Even now, as only a partial tattoo, I love that it reminds me every day, that light can be found in darkness, peace can be found in chaos, and happiness can be found in misery.

One day at a time!

See you on the fit side!
~Heather

BLR Reunion and Biggest Loser Finale (Season 13)

I finally have some downtime because I'm home from work with some kind of allergy/cold/b.s. I will apologize in advance if this post is mundane or ceases to make sense; It feels like my lungs are in a vice and I'm trying to breathe underwater. Needless to say, I haven't been to the gym very much since my return from Malibu on Wednesday last week. However...

Malibu was a blast! Seeing my BLR peeps and the BLR staff again was beyond fantastic!

I had a little fear showing up and seeing everyone else because I haven't lost any weight since February... scratch that - I was terrified! But my fears were quelled immediately upon seeing Meg and Amanda! Seeing their big smiles made me run up and hug the both of them as though we were long-lost sisters, reunited. Of course, they both looked incredible, so immediately pull out my over-sized comb for a quick hair touch-up (Is she a Diva?... inside joke for Amanda and Meg).

From there, the rental car shuttle took us to the location where we were supposed to meet up with Keith. I looked up to see half of Keith! OMGWTF! Someone was working out with extreme intensity and dedication since December! Seriously! Wow! Great job, amigo! You are an inspiration to so many! (Do you!) :)

On Sunday, the four of us were finally able to meet up with Cara, Betty, Haley, and Nicole (Betty and Cara's sister). They also brought their trainer, Michael, with them (who is freakin' hilarious, has more energy than coffee on crack, and knows how to booty tooch like nobody's business!). It was so great to have us all finally back together!

We had dinner on Sunday night with Mike Messina. It was pretty easy to see that he would be the at-home winner. He looked fantastic!

On Monday, we all had a long, beautiful, and sizzling hike to Sandstone Peak in the Santa Monica mountains, where a few of us discovered the importance of sunscreen while slowly become sauteed by the sun in our own sweat.

Eight days later, my shoulders and neck are still in pain and poor Amanda's shoulders looked like singed paper! SPF 100 next time! No doubt. When I put on a wind-breaker, I feel like a Hot Pocket cooking in a microwave! And the resulting scaly-lizard, body-dandruff look is super attractive! Soooo lovely! It's actually kind of fortunate I got sick so that I don't leave trails of "pieces of me" everywhere I go :)

On Tuesday, a few of us had breakfast, then worked out with some Biggest Loser folks (Sione, Jennifer, Mark, and Buddy). It was a great start to a great day! That night, as seat-fillers, we attended the finale and Keith and I were seated in the third row! This was a drastically different experience from last season, where I was in the nose-bleed seats (cue music) "alllll byyyy myyyyseeeellllllfff." So much more fun, this season!

The contestants looked amazing and I have to say the Kim Nielsen was the Biggest Loser Winner, in my book! She was in tip-top condition and looked like a world-class athlete.. and she was a total sweetheart! Meeting her was one of the biggest highlights of my night! One of the low points was spilling my drink all over Mike Messina's feet and feeling like a complete dufus... yikes.

During the entire trip, we all met lots of Biggest Loser contestants from seasons present and past, drank a little, ate some yummy food, and had some great laughs. Wednesday morning came way too quickly. As I faced having to head home alone, I was a sobbing mess. Amanda, Keith, Meg, Betty, Cara, Haley and Nicole are and will be my family, for life! Some of the most amazing people you would ever hope to meet! <3 V34L!

I thought this trip would re-instill some motivation in me to continue my journey, but the opposite occurred when I got home. I laid on the couch for two days, chowing down Oreos and gelato, went out to eat with friends way too often (sooo much mexican food!)... I ballooned back up to 187 pounds! It happens SOOOO fast! Once I start with the sugar and fatty foods, it feels impossible to stop! If it's in front of me, it will soon be in my belly, almost involuntarily!

Over the past few days, I worked out a little, played golf once (poorly... so poorly, in fact, I'm wondering why I bothered spending money on brand new clubs!), and then I got sick. This morning, the scale read 182, so maybe the 187 was mostly bloat. I have to say... 187 felt like I was back in the 200's. It was uncomfortable and made my clothes feel like sausage casings. Boo.

Unfortunately, one of my favorite workout partners (and dating confidant), Benny-boo, got a fantastic job in Palm Springs... he moved on Saturday and I already miss him. Zumba won't be the same without the jokes and innuendo! <sigh>

As I was reflecting on my trip and trying to determine my approach to life over the next few months, it became apparent that I was starting to feel kind of lost and needed something to focus on aside from work and my epic failure at eating nutritiously. My friend suggested attending a Buddhist temple with him, so I'll see how it goes! Seems to be working well for him! He's more at peace lately and has already lost 12 pounds! I think I need to find spirituality in my life so that I'm able to give up some emotional burden to the universe.

Well, I'm heading back to bed for a NyQuil-induced sleep. I look like hell, but at least I'm not eating! Ha!

See you on the fit side!
~Heather

Lessons from Biggest Loser Resort: Time to cleanse the mind and body!

After reading my friend, Betty’s blog at http://phatchances.blogspot.com, I decided to write tonight. Betty is so inspiring to me and if I can reach just one person the way she reaches me every time she writes, then it’s worth typing through the exhaustion and foregoing a Friday night of debauchery J

For some reason, I woke up today feeling more alert and energized than I normally do. Perhaps it was because I finally got a non-alcohol-induced sleep after treating my body well yesterday, for an entire day! Yes, I did undergo a few struggles while on my trip to the east coast this past weekend. While I had a great time, I now realize how easily I “adapt” to others’ habits and lifestyles! This is not a good thing. I need to find stronger resolve when I’m faced with challenging situations.

When I arrived home on Tuesday, I had some residual emotions that I spoke of in my Valentine’s Day post, and processing brought many things to light. I accomplished what I wanted to on my trip and any open questions I had were answered. Long story, short; I decided to relinquish anything for which I had no control and just “do me.” Giving up those emotions was surprisingly easy once I allowed myself to focus on life in the present! It may have been somewhat symbolic, but I decided to cleanse my body at the same time I was cleansing my mind…. It sounded like a great idea at the time! I could rid myself of all the crap food and gunk in my system while starting fresh in my head and getting refocused on my weight loss journey! Fantastic!

  

  Personal Score:  A
(I'm making progress, both physically and emotionally)

I heard about the “Shakeology Cleanse” but I didn’t know what it was. Since I already had a month’s supply of Shakeology on-hand, I decided to Google it and see if it was something of interest. It seemed easy enough! You do the following for three days:

• WAKE UP: Green tea (no sweetener)
• BREAKFAST: Shakeology Shake with fruit and liquid that does not contain sugar (I used unsweetened Almond Milk and 6 frozen strawberries);
• SNACK: An apple or berries (I ate a Pink Lady apple)
• LUNCH: Shakeology Shake with fruit and liquid that does not contain sugar (to change up the flavors, I used a frozen banana this time)
• SNACK: Another apple
• DINNER: Dark-leaf lettuce with protein – no oil, butter, salt or pepper (boring, but it does the job)
• SNACK: If you’re still hungry, they suggest eating more fruit

First, let me say that this worked for me. Without a doubt, it works. In just two days, I’ve lost more than 4 lbs and I know that “gunk” is leaving my body.

I just wish my stomach wasn’t making so much darned noise! It’s embarrassing! No dates for me this weekend! Ha! With that said, I am noticing some positive differences so far; I am thinking more clearly, my attitude seems more positive, I’m more alert, and I feel “lighter” and healthier. The not-so-positive effects are; I am tired around 2pm, I don’t feel like I’m eating enough, I’m getting dizzy more easily, and my energy depletes more quickly. The instructions say that it’s not advisable to work out while cleansing, because the caloric intake is so low, but I’ve been working out anyway. I believe I am only consuming about 1000 calories while on this cleanse. I know this isn’t enough, but it’s only for three days and I’m hoping it helps to jump-start my metabolism when I go back to my normal 1500-1600 calories per day on Sunday.

I'm sooooo close!!!! My trainer tried to get me to that 179.9 mark today, but we JUST missed it! Maybe tomorrow! This means I'm down 37 lbs since I left BLR and I am down 79 lbs total!

This was my trainer and me after he kicked my butt this morning in a hilacious workout. During the workout, he had me focus on something...er... someone... unpleasant (who just happened to walk by the gym windows) to give me motivation to go at ludicrous speed! At one point while I was struggling on the treadmill, he said, "Focus on your horizon! Get through this! No erratic breathing!" Unfortunately, as I looked out the window, the unpleasant "thing" was right in my line of sight, so my response was, "There's a pile of sh*t in my horizon, sir!"

Our treadmill intervals were at 5.0 incline and sometimes up past 7.0 mph! Can you say jello legs? As if that weren't enough, in the second half hour, I was begging for mercy after 30 minutes of more intervals, sometimes reaching at over 113 RPMs at Level 15 on the bike for as long as my heart and lungs could take it. I hate/love that man! :)



All the cleansing of my mind and body also has me thinking of Essara, my psychologist and life coach at Biggest Loser Resort. There are many days that I make decisions related to what she and I used to discuss and I ask myself, “Would Essara be proud of me?” I wish I could still talk to her at least once per week. Sometimes, I truly don’t know the answer to that question, since it seems emotional growth is often tied to doing something that is emotionally painful. Am I doing the right thing by putting myself through something I know has the potential to hurt me? At what point is “putting up walls” or “closing myself off” a GOOD thing? I do see myself setting clearer boundaries with people in my life that used to walk all over me, but I’m not sure I’m making the progress I need to be making to be successful in the long-term. I miss you, Essara!

I actually have been missing ALL of my BLR buddies! I was chatting with Amanda Tyson this morning and we got on the topic of hiking Nicholas “not so” Flatts. We both had a good laugh about our last attempt, but under no uncertain terms, we plan to tackle and conquer that bitch in May. No doubt we will as we have BOTH come SO far. After texting and talking to a few of my BLR girls, seeing all the Follow Fridays on Twitter, and getting a glance of THIS picture from BLR (I was laughing my butt off! This was Amanda and I on that darned hike! We both thought we were dying!), I realized how important it is to have a huge support system!

I’m so fortunate that no matter what I’m feeling, or when I’m feeling it, I can turn around and one of my BLR sisters or brothers is there for me! I am so lucky to have all of these special people in my life! I truly believe THAT is the biggest key to moving toward success and not giving up! Having people around you that share your struggles, goals, desires, pain, and fears…. As long as you stay in contact with them, you will be forced to be true to yourself and it will be that much more difficult to give up! Thank goodness these people are in my life as I am a much better person for it! I don’t know what I’d do without them on my toughest days.

Another key component, which goes in-hand with the support system, is to always remember where you started! Remember what got you to your “bottom” in the first place and remember how it felt to be there! BUT do NOT confuse this with ridiculing or beating up your former self whenever you see an old picture or someone makes a comment about how you “used to be!”

I get so upset when I hear formerly overweight people look at a past image of themselves and put themselves down! Saying things like, “Look at how gross I was!” or “Who is that disgusting person!?” Why?!?! Isn’t it true that when we were at our highest weights, we couldn’t understand how people could be that cruel to us? How people couldn’t see us for what/who were are on the inside? The whispers when we’d order dessert? How we felt when people wouldn’t even glance our way to say hello? Being treated like an animal or sub-standard human being when something didn’t fit like a seat or a seatbelt? All awful!!!!

I get that you don’t want to go back to being miserable and feeling unattractive, but it’s not healthy to treat your old self like someone you don’t know and don’t ever want to be. Behind that exterior, there was a person that was full of love, desperation, hope, and sadness! I am positive you beat yourself up enough back then! I know I did! Enough is enough. How would you have felt if someone you knew, loved, and trusted spoke to you back then, the way you are speaking about your former self now? It’s important to remember why you don’t want to go back, but also remember that the depressed and broken person in that picture was a suffering human being. If anything, they deserve love and respect for helping you achieve who you are today and who you’re working to become. Love yourself, past and present, because both of you deserve it!

See you on the fit side!

-Heather