Misery is optional! (But it's a tough option to ignore!)

I'm slowly making my way back to positivity! Lately, I've been thinking about how I was so sure of myself when I left Biggest Loser Resort. I was going to conquer my weight issues once and for all! I had just spent an obscene (for me) amount of money on gaining the tools and knowledge to turn fitness into a lifestyle and I was hungry for it!!! It seemed that nothing could stop me! Why is it that just 6 short months later, it became a painfully difficult and arduous task to regain motivation? How could my perspective have changed so drastically?

So, on Monday, I started thinking about life changes... mostly because of the "I'm getting married" conversation I had with my friend... and it dawned on me:
Here was a guy that was on the verge of suicide just three months earlier. Aside from his attitude and address, not much else has changed in his life since then; He still has conflict with his mom, his dad is still dying, he is still struggling with substance abuse (although he is now 40+ days sober! woo hoo!), he has no job, no car, and no real prospects... but he's LIVING! He's happy, motivated, confident, and knows in his heart that his path leads to somewhere positive! What changed for him? How did he get out of his depression? What can I learn from his experience?

I had a bit of a wake-up call! It's my attitude! My choices in how I respond to situations! My attitude and choices have sucked since about mid-February... coincidentally, right about the time I stopped losing weight, stopped writing regularly in my blog, and stopped being consistent with my regimen. I fell into somewhat of a pity-a-thon and a pretty hefty depression.

This is a bit embarrassing, but I'm just going to say it:
I have fought with depression for years, but thought I had a pretty good handle on it for the last few decades... until February of this year. All the forgotten feelings of loneliness, emptiness, despair, and worthlessness, came flooding back, with a vengeance. A vengeance that had built up for years and years and years, just waiting to reveal itself in full force. The logical side of my brain was telling me to not let emotion overrule my thoughts, and to just systematically go about life as though my routine were tasks on a checklist - eventually I HAD to snap out of it. But, as the depression deepened, I found myself bargaining internally to just get out of bed... to get off the couch... to stop eating junk...even to brush my hair. All simple things, but they seemed like painstaking chores in the moments I faced them. When this feeling lasted longer than just a few days, then weeks, then months...I had to admit to myself that I was no longer in control. Logic wasn't working to snap me out of it, and I needed help to cope. So, I sought help.

Going to my appointments gave me a reason to get out of bed at least once per week. The distance to the appointment gave me a reason to run there and back. I refuse to take medication, so I was warned that my mental state was "in the basement" and without medication, it may take awhile to get back to "the first floor." As of two days ago, it felt like I reached that first floor! Ironically, after hearing something that made me very sad! There are still many floors above me, and I know I have to take the stairs, but at least I'm out of that dark, dank, smelly basement!

What better time to get a tattoo??? I fight with various struggles every day. Sometimes I win, but I never fail, because I'll never give up. If I get knocked down 99 times, I'm getting up 100 times.

For those that are around me often, you probably got tired of hearing me say things like, "I'm going to get a tattoo on my back that symbolizes my struggles, triumphs, and hard work." Well, I started it last night! I have a long way to go, as it will eventually trail down to my hip area and the cherry blossoms will be colored in, but I really like it so far. To make it even more special, my bestie that is getting married will be coming with me to my next tattoo appointment and we will be getting tatt'd up together! He's getting a tattoo of his sobriety date. <very cool> We both thought it would make our tattoos more meaningful if we made it a memory of being with each other and supporting each other through the "pain," much as we have in life over the last several months.

Even now, as only a partial tattoo, I love that it reminds me every day, that light can be found in darkness, peace can be found in chaos, and happiness can be found in misery.

One day at a time!

See you on the fit side!
~Heather

Week 2 of P90X: Travel makes it tough!

Progress... any positive movement is progress.

I was all over the board with nutrition after Sunday. Until then, though... I was on-point! Travel always gets me! I don't have access to a scale as of Sunday, so the weight above is from Sunday morning. I'll weigh in again when I get home... we'll see what kind of damage I did.

  Personal Score:  C
I was good... until Sunday. But, sprinkled a little fun in there :)

This is the month of travel travel travel…. But what an awesome start to my week! I got to spend my niece’s and Dad’s birthdays with them! Always good to spend time with family.

Then, I headed to San Francisco where I got to see Betty and Cara for the first time since a week before I left BLR, Malibu. They both look amazing! It’s incredible how much a person can change physically in such a short amount of time! But, the best part about seeing them was feeling like we were back in Malibu, sitting at the dining table and chatting it up. It felt like home. I had the best time spending time with them, finally meeting Nicole, and getting to chat with their family. It warmed my heart to no end! Love those girls! We had a fabulous dinner at Original Joe’s and that night ended way too soon. I hope we don’t go long before the next visit!

Even though I had a lot of fun and was full of energy last night, I struggled a little today. Last night, I ordered Fruitti di Mare (a bunch of shell fish in tomato broth over linguini) and one vodka soda cocktail. I had planned that outing for more than a week, and it was part of my 10%, so why did I feel so guilty today? Maybe because I had to skip my workouts today to make it to work on time? Whatever the reason, it’s been eating at me all day and for the first time in months, I was craving chocolate to appease the emotional lashing that was occurring in the transoms of my mind. I even went to Whole Foods and bought healthy snacks and berries so that I wouldn’t get hungry throughout the day, and I found myself emotionally eating those as well! I had to start counting out the nuts and fruit so that I would eat a portion size and not a super size.

Before I left on this extended road trip, I set a goal to do my P90X workouts every day this week. I ended up working out to P90X on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. On Friday and Saturday, I also added a cardio workout to my day. I even got to work out with my brother on Saturday morning, which was a lot of fun! We did KenpoX and I definitely pushed myself harder with him next to me. (Competitive much? haha)

I tried to make healthy choices, for the most part (with the exception of Dad's Birthday dinner and the dinner with Cara and Betty), but I took photos of two of my staple meals: A whole wheat, flax seed, egg white tortilla with organic ham, and fresh salmon wrapped around crab, tobiko and green onion with a dab of cream cheese. I was doing ok for the first few days...

However, I started slacking once I was away from all of my fitness conveniences.  I was up at 4am on Monday, just to squeeze in an hour of P90X before I started my day. I found that I was trying to convince myself to stop working out on Monday morning because 1) it was rude to sweat in someone’s home, 2) because the rug moved too much underneath me, 3) I didn’t have the right dumbbells…EXCUSES… gosh, I sound like some contestants on Season 13 of Biggest Loser, don’t I? Yikes! With a 4am start, it’s no surprise that I was less than eager to repeat that on Tuesday after a 10:30pm bedtime the night before.

I don’t know how people who commute have the time to workout!  I brought my workout clothes into work, but barely had enough time to grab lunch from our work café before heading to another meeting. My day ended at around 6pm, when I met up with my friend so that we could carpool back to her house in San Francisco. Long-story-not-so-short: Inevitably, Tuesday became an unexpected rest day.

So, here I sit on my friend’s couch, waiting for our Quinoa, veggies and fish to cook, reading Facebook posts and Twitter tweets, and trying to find inspiration and motivation for a new tomorrow…. Of course I should have known I’d find it in Amanda Tyson. After her tweet this morning about struggling a little bit, I didn’t expect to read what happened during the rest of her day. I feel like the proud big sister! Amanda had two PB’s (personal bests) today! Two IN A ROW! Amanda ran a mile without stopping for the first time ever… but that wasn’t all. She decided she had energy to spare and went on to run five miles without stopping! What?!?!  Looks like, once again, she’s an inspiration to me and I’ll have to get my arse moving tomorrow! Tonight, I need sleep because work has made me its bitch this week. But Amanda, you are amazeballs! Love you, girl!

One other morsel of inspiration came my way in a text message. A friend said she was cycling through pictures on her phone and found one of me from this time last year. Most of the "before" pictures I have are of me at about 230 pounds. The picture she sent to me was closer to the 259 mark. Unfortunately, that was a time in my life when I would run from cameras, so I have zero photos for displaying progress. Since this picture is the almost at the point where I was beginning my journey, I wanted to share this one with all of you today:

The Vigor 5K is in 4 days! I wonder if my hats were ever delivered to my home address? Can't wait to see the birthday girl (Meg Gazaway) and sport all of our crazy hats!!! Pee-my-pants excited! Going to be so much fun!

With that, I'll leave you with two inspirational quotes to get you through the next few days (the first one made me giggle):

I tried... it didn't work :)

Or playfully snap someone on the keester. ;-)

See you on the fit side!

-Heather

January 17-18, 2012: An "end" creates a new "beginning"

January 17-18, 2012:

 

 

 

Heading back in the right direction on the scale! I'm feeling better and better each day. Even though the scale isn't moving quickly, I see definite changes in my body! I gave away all my size 18 and size 16 clothes. I'm hoping it's "good riddance!" I've kept some size 14s and all of my size 12s, but just ordered some size 10s online today! I can't believe I'm almost to the single digits! I haven't seen those sizes since 1997  (yah, yah, Marisa... I know... you were in KINDERGARTEN in 1997...) Hahaha. Oh... almost forgot... some people asked my height. I'm just a hair under 5' 9 (now that Dr. Ray has "straightened me out.").

 

  

January 17:
Approximately 761 Calories

 

January 18:
Approximately 959 Calories

  

I didn't eat enough today and yesterday. I will likely have a small snack tonight, even though it's late, because I'm a little hungry. However, yesterday, I fell asleep at 4:30pm and unintentionally skipped dinner.

 

 

 

January 17:
Approximately 649 calories

• 6.5 miles on the bike
• 2.0 miles on the treadmill
• Foam rolling for 15 minutes

January 18:
Approximately 770 calories

• 3.6 miles of running at 5.5 - 6.0 mph on the treadmill
• Foam rolling for 15 minutes

 

 

 

 

Almost there! Whoops! Total Miles should read 61.1.

 

 

 

  Personal Score:  A

I have had a fantastic two days in the gym! It's making me super tired in the evenings, so I haven't been putting in a second workout each day, but I feel amazing after the morning workouts! When I arrived in the gym this morning, almost all of the equipment was taken. I usually like to warm up on the bike or the elliptical machine, but the only machine open was the treadmill. I hopped on and realized that I only had 45 minutes until I had to get ready for work. I wanted to get the maximum burn possible during that time, so I ditched my normal interval routine and decided to try to run a full mile without stopping. I set the pace at 5.5 and a mile came and went! I kept going... At 1.6 miles, I thought to myself, "I bet I can keep going to 2 miles." My heart rate seemed to stay around 140 and I was feeling really good! Next thing I knew, I had 2 miles down... Can I... should I... yes!!!!! I was going to try to run the distance of a 5K!

 

I made sure I had a good rhythm in my pace and breath, the right music on my iPhone, and a focal point at eye-height. At 2.8 miles, I felt a bit of a struggle, and the internal dialogue began. I can't remember how many times I had to tell myself, "You've got this! It's less than a mile left to go!" I got a small final burst of energy when I had a quarter mile left, so I decided to up the speed to 6.0 for a half-sprint to the end, and I made it! I'm not going to lie... I did a little happy dance in the gym to celebrate! My final time was 42 1/2 minutes for 3.61 miles.

 

 

 

New short-term goal: I am going to try to get my time for 5K to under 40 minutes within the next week.

 

 

I rushed home to get ready for work and start my day. As I attended meetings and fielded phone calls and email, it dawned on me that I there was something I needed to address today that I had been putting off for some time. I'm not sure if it was my run this morning, or maybe the Shakeology I had for breakfast, but I somehow found more self-worth today than I've felt for a long time.

Some of you may recall that back in December, I posted on FaceBook that there was a toxic person in my life that I needed to sever a relationship with. It was hard for me because that person did add a level of happiness and contentment to my life. They taught me a lot about myself and helped me to be less afraid of life. However, there were times that this person seemed to negatively affect my self-confidence and esteem. I would tell myself that I shouldn't let others "rent space in my head" since whatever they say is likely their issue and not mine, but that's easier said than done. Over time, the negativity has an impact, even if you don't realize it.

Sometimes, I would question whether I was "good enough"... not just for that friendship, but for most things in life. The logical side of me thought it was crazy to think that way, but the emotional side of me was battling with my emo-eating tendencies.

I decided this had to stop. I had a conversation with this person today and came to the conclusion that the relationship was, indeed, unhealthy. I politely explained that the relationship was no longer mutually beneficial and that it was best if we went our separate ways. It wasn't easy, and I'm sure it won't be easy for the next several months, but bottom line is that I thought I had a friend and I really didn't. I was a  good friend to this person, but there wasn't any reciprocation. I finally believe I am worth more than that... at least, that is how I feel today.

I think it's important that, as we embark on these journeys to better ourselves, we pay very close attention to aspects of our lives that are potential road-blocks or pitfalls. You may not recognize them at first, but most of us didn't get to "morbidly obese" (I cringed the first time I heard my doctor give me that label - I was ashamed and mortified), by having healthy influences and relationships around us. Change is mandatory if we are to succeed.... and we are ALL worth it!

See you on the fit side!

 

-Heather

At Home - Days 14 (Happy New Year!) & 15 (Day off from work)

  

FUEL:

Day 14 (New Year's Day):

Approximately 1360 Calories

• Breakfast: bagel, lox, capers, onions, cream cheese <510>
• Snack: oatmeal, strawberries <150>
• Lunch: Approx 2 cups of Movie Popcorn <210>
• Snack: raw cashews and unsweetened banana chips <160>
• Dinner: Salmon burger with salsa and sandwich thins <330>

Day 15 (January 2):

Approximately 1100 Calories

• Breakfast: whole wheat organic tortilla, 4 egg whites, 1 oz soy cheese, tomatillo salsa <320>
• Snack: raw cashews and unsweetened banana chips <160>
• Lunch: turkey, light cheese and lettuce wrap <310>
• Snack: light string cheese <80>
• Dinner: chicken breast, zucchini and onions <220>

 THE BURN:
Approximately 660 calories

Sunday was a rest day and I rested like a champ!

Monday, I had to begin chipping away at those Like-A-Thon Miles!

• 4.5 miles on treadmill

SELF ASSESSMENT:

• Personal score: C (I waited until later in the day to actually work out and it wasn't at my full potential)

MY DAY(s):

Day 14 - January 1st

I woke up on Sunday at 10:30am, but I'm not quite sure when we all went to bed. I know it was very very late. After reading multiple text messages on my cell phone (I'm glad I had it on silent), I got out of bed to find a very sleepy and hungover pal on his couch with his dog. Looks like the dog ("Olive") is a 9er fan as well!

Slowly, we got ourselves together and went to a little spot called "Purple Place" to watch football and have some food. We ended up staying there for almost 5 hours. I had to keep standing up because my booty was getting sore on those chairs! Thank goodness I avoided a hangover by drinking a lot of water and sticking to  vodka. The others... well... let's just say that breakfast included Bloody Marys for the lot of them. After almost 5 hours of watching them drink, I became the designated driver and we all went to a movie.

We saw "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." That is one effed up movie. Good movie, but SICK. Picture being sober in a movie theater, in the back row, for three hours watching a seriously disturbed movie... 5 drunk people on my left, and an old couple in their 70s on my right. I can't say it wasn't funny and interesting! One ear was listening to an innocent old lady ask her husband, "Why is she doing that?" <when the girl was kissing another girl>, "What is wrong with him?" <when a very sick individual was doing very sick things>" and "What is that?" <when she pulled a very large "toy" from her bag>... the other ear was hearing, "D'ohhhh! That #!@% is f#$%ed up!" and "WTF?!?!" and "Where's my popcorn?" <you spilled half of it and ate the other half>. Good times! I didn't get home until almost 10:00pm.

Day 15 - January 2nd

As I anticipated, there were consequences on the scale from a night of drinking, bad food, and salty popcorn. I was up almost 3 pounds. Today, I'm back on track with nutrition. After viewing some of the pictures from the Vigor 5K web site, I decided I needed to head to REI to buy snow stuff for Megan's birthday bash in Utah! She invited me to do this 5K obstacle course with all of her friends for her birthday on February 4! I'm soooo excited! It looks fun, but REALLY hard! It's not just a run in the snow, it's an obstacle course! I hope we're ready! I have 130 miles (at least) of training between now and then!

Since it is a New Year and I want to do 2012 right, I have used the last few days for some self-reflecting:

• I am so happy to have my new BLR family to keep me on track with my fitness goals (Brianne and Cara, I WILL get you on a hike with me if it kills me!)
• I have an amazing family and my parents' relationship is almost impossible to live up to. I have to stop trying to do that. I saw a quote on Facebook today and I wish I had copied it. It said something about "If we always compare ourselves to others, we will always fail." Well, it was much more profound and eloquent than my paraphrasing, but I did get the message.
• I need to say "yes" to challenges, even if they are scary (so, if you want to invite me to a 5K or another event, please let me know!) I talked to a few friends about Tough Mudder in Squaw Valley in September this year! It sounds like we might have a team!
• I must tell myself at least one nice thing about myself every day.
• I've got to suck it up and let go of my car, LaFonda (my Honda)... she's falling apart on the inside. My friend tried to drive her yesterday and was pretty vocal about LaFonda's flaws. Her engine runs great, but she has 250K miles and is 12 years old. It's time. <tear>
• I need to stop trying to create space in others' lives and just let it happen naturally (based on another quote from FaceBook). There is at least one person in my life that can be labeled as toxic and I know I'm going to have to sever that relationship. I hate doing that.
• I need to cease from getting all of my inspiration from quotes on FaceBook!

Well, maybe not just yet... here's one more favorite quote:

No regrets!

See you on the fit side!
-Heather

At Home - Day 13 (Happy New Year's Eve!)

FAT STATS

Heaviest weight (Feb 2011): 259 lbs

Starting weight at Biggest Loser Resort (Nov 2011): 217 lbs

Current weight: 186.6 (I hope that puts me at a safe enough distance from 190 to enjoy a night of drinking for New Year's Eve!)

FUEL:

Day 13 (New Year's Eve)

Approximately 2020 Calories (woops! That's why I plan to avoid drinking like this anymore!)

• Breakfast: whole wheat sandwich thins, almond butter, banana <290>
• Snack:  1/8 cup raw cashews. 1/8 cup organic, unsweetened banana chips <160>
• Lunch: Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala <270>
• Snack: Flatbread pizza with chicken and sauce - extra light cheese (Three 3" squares) <300>
• Dinner: After 8 vodka sodas <790>...Small frozen bean, cheese and steak burrito (I was drunk and had the munchies) <210>

THE BURN:

Approximately 400 calories

30 min walk
75 min of yoga (where I thought I was going to die... again)
Pushups, planks, stretching for 30 min

SELF ASSESSMENT:

• Personal score: B- (I drank too much, but hey... it was New Year's!)

MY DAY(s):

For the final day in 2011, I didn't really sleep the night before. I think I finally went to bed at 3:30am, and woke up at 4:30am. Went back to sleep around 5:30am, and woke up again at 8:00am. Not good. I had zero energy, but forced myself to head to yoga. Yoga was tough (again), but I was able to do a few poses I haven't done in the past. My arms are still sore today, but I love that feeling because it's like my body telling me that the hard work is paying off. I actually had a great morning of exercise and I sweat so much that when I got into airplane pose in yoga, my hair was dripping and a river was running off my face! When I finally weighed in, the scale was down a full pound from the day prior! Wouldn't it be great if that happened every day???

Once I got home, and after trying to catch up on lost sleep and muster enough energy to stay awake well passed midnight, I was ready to get dressed and drive to Folsom for a New Year's Eve outing. This time last year, I remembered thinking that I hated the way I looked, I didn't care about my hair and makeup, and couldn't wait until the night was over. What a horrible attitude! This year, I was excited to get to my destination and party with my friends!

I tried on a few dresses and actually liked the way they looked on me! Normally, I would be dreading that part of getting ready to go out, but this time was a little different. I felt good! I took time to get ready and put on glittery makeup and wore fun accessories in my hair. What a difference a year makes!


I am also very fortunate to have such wonderful friends who made the night so much fun!

At one point during the evening, I was inspired by a few posts from Amanda Tyson and Megan Gazaway, to put up a "Like-a-thon" challenge on Facebook. For every "Like" I received on my status, I pledged to run one mile in January. The final count was just over 100, but Amanda talked me into "running her number" with her instead. It appears I am now committed to 130 miles in January. I will be tracking my progress on my blog for all of January.

Random thought: Has anyone seen the infomercial for "hot booties?" They're socks you put in the microwave to warm your feet! Ummm... am I the only one who thinks this is freaking disgusting?! Keep your damn toe jam out of my kitchen appliances! Please and thank you! <kind of vomited in my mouth a little> What's next? Refrigeratable underwear? Nasty!

I'm falling asleep while typing this, so I am going to take leave for now. I'll catch up with the New Year's Day blog (which is currently just a bunch of haphazard notes) tomorrow and get back on track. Thanks for your patience!

See you on the fit side!
-Heather

At Home - Days 10 & 11 (Laziness temporarily set in)

FAT STATS

Heaviest weight (Feb 2011): 259 lbs

Starting weight at Biggest Loser Resort (Nov 2011): 217 lbs

Current weight on Day 11: 188.5 (phew!)

FUEL:

Day 10: Approx 1400 calories

  

• Breakfast: Oatmeal. Banana
• Snack: Apple
• Lunch: Whole wheat wrap. Grilled chicken. Soy cheese, lettuce, salsa.
• Snack: 1/8 cup raw cashews. 1/8 cup organic, unsweetened banana chips (I was at approx. 710 calories at this point)
• Dinner: 15 Mussels steamed in garlic, wine and butter. 2 slices of garlic bread. <See below for details>

Day 11: Approximately 1250 Calories

• Breakfast: Whole wheat wrap. Soy cheese. 4 egg whites
• Snack: Kind Almond Coconut Bar
• Lunch: Whole wheat wrap. Grilled chicken. Soy cheese, lettuce, salsa.
• Snack: 3 oz grilled chicken
• Dinner: Whole wheat wrap. Grilled chicken. Soy cheese, lettuce, salsa. (I really need to eat the grilled chicken and whole wheat wraps because they're ready to expire)

THE BURN:
Unknown

I think I needed a break. Let's just say that I took a two day rest period. The only activity I engaged in was sleeping, a little dancing at a club and walking around the neighborhood... not much at all.

SELF ASSESSMENT:

• Personal score: C- (I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, so I gave myself a passing grade)

MY DAY(s):

Day 10:

Wednesdays have been historically difficult for me, even while I was at BLR. I'm not quite sure why, but I always lose steam  mid-week.

So, about that dinner on Day 10, which was obviously NOT in line with the 90% part of the program... Here is a note and explanation (not an excuse): The garlic bread was a surprise. It came as part of my mussels appetizer. I knew full well what I was getting into with the butter, wine and garlic steamed mussels, but that bread was placed in front of me and the food devil appeared on  my shoulder. He bitch-slapped the hell out of the food angel. The garlic and butter smelled soooo good, I couldn't leave it alone. At first, I told myself, "Just a bite" and I nibbled at a corner. At that point, I should have poured water on the bread or thrown it across the room, because that was the last exhibit of any kind of control that I would display for the next several minutes. Enter the emotional triggers, stage left and right:

Smitten Lindsey, Me, and the fabulous Michelle

My friends, flanking me on either side, began talking about how great their dating lives were going, how happy they were, and how they both met these wonderful guys! As my eyes darted to each of them, left and right, I was sincerely happy for both of them - they each deserve NOTHING BUT THE BEST, but I also felt a twinge of envy set in. I ignored it...  instead, I celebrated the occasion with some emotion-stifling garlic bread! I was happy for them, but my own heart was slowly sinking and bread was there to save it like a life preserver ring. I didn't realize I was in full on bread annihilation mode until the second slice was almost completely gone: I made record time stuffing that first slice in my mouth and two-fisting with the second slice...Ummm...Yah, that was part of my10%, for sure.

Thank goodness a bread basket filled with yummy, warm, aromatic sourdough and whipped butter was across the table and out of my reach. Don't get me wrong, I was eye-balling the heck out of that basket, but I was too embarrassed to reach for it after my elegant garlic bread etiquette display. When I asked that the basket be taken away with what was left of my mussels, the waitress tried to tell me that I should save the mussel broth (butter, garlic and wine) for the bread in the basket. Poor thing probably saw my head flip around like in The Exorcist when she wouldn't relent. Sorry, Miss Waitress Lady. No means no.

As I mentioned above, there wasn't much activity on this day. I went out to dinner with some girlfriends, then we were invited to a VIP booth at a local club, so a few of us went dancing and people-watching.

Me, Michelle, and Crystal

Later, we all met up with my trainer, who was at the pub next door to the dance club, so I felt much less guilty about not working out that day! You can't say I didn't meet up with my trainer! Ha!

Day 11:

I should have worked out yesterday because if I considered THAT activity to be nothing, then today I was a coma patient. Although I parted ways with my friends and the club at 11pm, I only got about two hours of sleep last night. I woke up and put on my gym clothes at 7:30am. I turned on my computer to boot up for work... and I fell asleep at my keyboard! Not good! I missed the gym and worked between tiny naps all day. Day 11 was pretty much ruined exercise-wise, unless I go now. But, I won't. I canceled my appointment at 6pm and told my trainer I needed one more rest day. He didn't fight me on it... hmmmm...

Perhaps from the lack of sleep, I found myself to be in a real down mood today. I rarely got up off of the couch, except for meals, etc. However, I did something I wouldn't normally do; I reached out to a friend for support. Thank goodness for people like Courtney who care enough to try to help lift my spirits. Before texting with her, I was seriously contemplating grabbing a pint of Ben & Jerry's from the hotel lobby. But, I texted her instead and she immediately provided sage advice, uplifting comments, empathy, and a contagious positive attitude! She helped me to stay on track with my nutrition today and I think the scale is finally calming down for me. I just hope that the few pounds I re-lost since day before yesterday are not from muscle-loss.

Courtney helping me with my nutrition at Subway while at BLR :-)

Today and yesterday are behind me. Tonight, my goal is to get to sleep at a decent hour. Tomorrow, my goal is to wake up around 5am and go straight to the gym. After that, I've scheduled a yoga class with my good friend, Marisa. I'm really looking forward to that! One of the morsels of advice given to me by Courtney was to find a partner to do any kind of exercise with that I can. So, instead of finding ONE person to work out with, I'm just asking everybody I know now! This just may work! So far, I have 3 hiking partners, 2 yoga partners, a 5K partner, 2 half-marathon partners and 4 gym partners! The BLR community, teambeachbody.com, and other fitness organizations always have groups that are looking for others to join and to do things together. I plan to take better advantage of this!

Finally, a bit of grammatically horrid inspiration, but I still like it :-)

See you on the fit side!
-Heather

At Home - Day 9 (The pumpkin bread novella)

FAT STATS

Heaviest weight (Feb 2011): 259 lbs

Starting weight at Biggest Loser Resort (Nov 2011): 217 lbs

Current weight: 191.4 (*%#!$&!) 

FUEL:

Approx 1210 calories

  

• Breakfast: 1/2 whole wheat grain tortilla, 4 egg whites, 1oz soy cheese
• Snack: apple
• Lunch: 2 slices whole sprouted wheat bread, spring lettuce, 2 slices organic ham, slice of light mozzarella, mustard.
• Snack: string cheese and a spoonful of pumpkin loaf
• Dinner: whole wheat sandwich thins, 3oz turkey, spring lettuce, slice of light mozzarella, mustard
• Snack: 3oz grilled chicken

THE BURN:
Approximately 550 Calories burned

 30 minutes - Treadmill at incline 10, speed between 3.5 and 4.0 for 2 miles.

1 mile run on treadmill.
20 minutes - Treadmill at speed 3.0

SELF ASSESSMENT:

• Personal score: A- (I was too tired to wake up at 4:30am and get in my morning workout, but I walked around my office at every opportunity today, took only the stairs, used the fit ball as my chair all day, and stretched using my office furniture. Additionally, I achieved a PB <personal best, not peanut butter> with my personal trainer today! See below for details...)

MY DAY:

Today was my first full day back to work. It was really nice to see some surprised faces and slightly dropped jaws on the guys as I walked in! I work with mostly men and they all made me feel really good today! I got lots of "wows" and then I would ask, "Do you notice a difference?" and the responses were, "Uh, yah!" and "You look beautiful!" (I can't remember the last time a guy said that to me and I heard it twice today! I'm beaming!) I was also extremely and very pleasantly surprised at the number of people who told me they have been reading this blog! I can't tell you how much it means to have that kind of support! Thank you, EVERYONE who takes any time out of their day to read this! It started as a therapeutic journal for me and I never anticipated that anyone would want to read it, let alone be inspired. It means so much to me when someone tells me they decided to go to the gym or change something in their lives because of this blog. I can't think of a more amazing compliment. THANK YOU!

Special shout-outs to Srikanth, Swarna, Karla and John:

• Congratulations, Srikanth and Swarna for taking that step to join the gym! I'm so glad you're enjoying reading about my journey! If you have any questions, I'd be happy to help! I wish the best for you both!
• Karla, you've been an amazing friend for years and years. You've always been a pillar of strength for me, even when I was at my lowest. I can't tell you what it means to me that you've found inspiration in my words and that I'm at least partially able to return to you what you've done for me for so many years!
• And, to John for being a loyal blog-reader, even though I had no idea until today, and caring enough to let me know that he'd beat the pulp out of any guy that treats me poorly (Love you for that! You made my day!).

When I arrived at my office this morning, the pumpkin bread was staring at me again. I swear that thing grew a puppy dog face and was giving me sad eyes out of being neglected. (Obviously, I become easily obsessed with sweet treats. See Donut Saga in prior blog post).

11:00 AM: I  made a bunch of snacks for myself to ensure I wouldn't get too hungry during my work day.
 

 
I ate half of the ham sandwich I prepared for myself at home, just to make sure I didn't let myself get hungry and pounce on the pumpkin loaf. I'm not going to lie... I was kind of scared of it! Either it was going to be so sweet that it will taste disgusting (highly unlikely), or it's going to be so good that I won't be able to stop eating it and some hot single guy will walk into my office as I look up at him with my cheeks stuffed, crumbs down my shirt, and chocolate all over my face while mumbling through a mouthful of bread, "en I hel u?" <That's "Can I help you?" in Pumpkinbread-ese> So, I sat and stared at it... wrapped as though it was not at all dangerous or ill-intentioned.

11:15 AM: I unwrapped the pumpkin bread and put it right in front of my computer screen with the teambeachbody.com website up in the background. Man oh man, that smelled sooo good! I'll bet that little loaf weighs at least one pound!

11:20 AM: I'm having a small spoonful of the bread...I just had to taste it. Also had to make sure I got at least two chocolate chips and a nut in that tiny bite.... chomp chomp... ummm... WATER! An entire glass of water! Holy poop on a stick, that was unbelievably super sweet!!!! My taste buds and sugar tolerance have definitely changed! I'm glad I tried it, because the obsessing instantly terminated with that bite, but I wrapped that thing back up and gave it to a colleague. I'm sure it's just as delicious as years' passed, for people who are used to ingesting sugar. I'm glad someone will enjoy it!

I finished out my day and headed to the gym.

I'm a little concerned about the slight weight gain I've experienced recently, but I know I'm burning more each day than I'm taking in. I felt it was important to blog this lull in my weight loss progress, because I think we are all faced with something like this at some point. I'm confident in my nutrition and I've been so careful! I am NOT giving up!  Besides, I feel great and that should count more than anything, right????
 
I talked to my trainer about it tonight and he seems to think the wine and salt on Sunday night has something to do with it... he said my body fat is not going up (I get measured daily with calipers), so I should be okay. He plans to measure me again tomorrow morning.

I mentioned the possibility of running a half-marathon to my personal trainer today (Chris). His reaction: "Really? Jump on that treadmill!" When am I going to learn that you don't divulge long-term fitness goals to an insane (in a good way), former Marine personal trainer unless you want to experience severe pain. And oh, I did. I say this with the utmost love and respect, but that !*&@!$#er had me complete two miles at an incline 10 and between 3.5 and 4.0 mph, THEN just when I think we are wrapping up our session, he asks, "How fast do you think you can run a mile?" The last time I ran a mile, it took about 14 minutes, but for some reason, I blurted out, "13 minutes." He commanded, "Get on the treadmill... I think you can do it in 10." WTF?!?!? 10??? Are you effing insane? Mmmm hmmmm... 10... You're gonna see my ass fly off the back half of that damn thing in about three minutes! Just sayin'!

I am not even going to try to lie; it wasn't pretty. About four minutes into the run, my breathing became somewhat erratic. Like a drill sergeant, he got me back on track... every four steps, exhale sharply. Inhale for three steps, exhale on the fourth.  Shoulders relaxed. Arms at sides and pointed forward, lean back, focus, no noise except for the breathing! It's a lot to remember and focus on, but I finally caught my rhythm again... for a minute. At six minutes, I thought I was going to die. He lied to me and told me I was 75% done. I looked down at the display and almost gave up. He must have seen the "eff this" look on my face because he changed the treadmill display so that I couldn't see my progress any longer. UGH!

At this point, I detest this man and want to wipe that freakin' smirk off his face with my sweaty shoe! I kept attempting to reach for the STOP button, but he wouldn't let me quit! I'm glad he didn't. Before I knew it, and when I seriously thought I wasn't breathing any longer, I came up to less than a quarter-mile left! I just kept chanting "I can do anything for 2 minutes" (something I remember trainer Tonia saying at BLR during "T" class). Then I was at .9 miles! The last .1 miles went very quickly and even though I felt like I was going to bust a lung open and throw up at the same time, I FINISHED! One mile in 10:12! What???? No way that just happened! I must have looked nauseated because my trainer pointed at the garbage can and helped me outside for fresh air. I didn't puke, but my lungs were on fire and my stomach was flipping me off. However, I felt so incredibly accomplished and proud! At that point, I decided it was ok to love him again.... (sorry about the whole sweaty shoe thing).

I came home from the gym and decided to see what was on TV. I was watching (for the third or fourth time) "Biggest Loser: Where are they now?" and my favorite part is when Tara comes out on stage to talk to Ally, Bob, and company about completing the Ironman. They show clips from the race and she makes it look so easy! My girl ran that Marathon in just over 5 hours, AFTER swimming for more than 2 miles AND biking more than 100 miles! That's insanely fast! She is such an amazing woman and I am so lucky to have spent time with her at BLR. She is definitely one of my inspirations and one of the reasons I want to run that half-marathon in San Francisco in April 2012.



During week 2 at BLR


I have to get to bed at a decent hour tonight because Chris and I are meeting up at 6am for a morning workout and I'd like to get in a 45 minute warm-up before then.

Here's to a fabulous tomorrow!

See you on the fit side!
-Heather

At Home - Day 8

FAT STATS

Heaviest weight (Feb 2011): 259 lbs

 

Starting weight at Biggest Loser Resort (Nov 2011): 217 lbs

 

Current weight: 189.9 (I'm hanging on to the 180's for dear life and blaming sodium for the overall near 1lb gain since Friday)

 

FUEL:

Approx 1230 calories

  

• Breakfast: whole wheat sandwich thins, almond butter
• Snack: light string cheese, banana
• Lunch: whole wheat sandwich thins, lettuce, ground chicken patty, slice of mozzarella, ketchup and mustard.
• Snack: Apple
• Dinner: Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala
   

THE BURN:
Approximately 426 Calories burned

40 minutes - Elliptical
20 minutes - Circuit with Dumbbell bicep curls, plank, seated cable rows, and treadmill sprints

 

SELF ASSESSMENT:

• Personal score: B (I was tired from very little sleep, then heading to the office early this morning. I'm proud of myself for waking up from a nap this evening to head to the gym.)
   

MY DAY:

I thought today was supposed to be my first day back to work, but apparently it was a holiday for the company. Imagine my surprise when I arrive at my office to see the gates closed and the parking lot empty. I still went inside to work, though. I had more than 3500 emails to tend to after being away for four weeks. It took me almost three hours to just get rid of the spam and vendor mail. However, it was a good three hours because I was able to test my new fitness ball that I plan to use as my office chair! It's not too bad! I could feel my core engaging and I was very conscious of when I would start to slouch. My back felt better than normal this evening, too... not sure if the ball had anything to do with it, but I'll be using the ball again tomorrow. Added bonus: When I get angry or frustrated, I have something to kick across the room! Joy!

I walked into my office this morning and was immediately confronted with a gift.... a food gift. Not just any food gift, but Teresa's famous pumpkin, chocolate chip loaf. I'm not sure I can convey the actual level of deliciousness of this cake/bread/loaf thing. It's moist and scrumptious and has chocolaty goodness in every bite. Teresa wraps this amazing treat in the prettiest cellophane, which makes it call out, "Unwrap me! Don't ignore me! You know you want me!" <yes, yes I do...no!... yes...no!>

I was afraid to touch it, so I left it at the edge of my desk. I could devour that entire loaf in four bites. I think it's meant to last about a week, but in the past it's never seen a second day in my presence. I may have a morsel of it tomorrow... I just have to make sure I bring plenty of healthy snacks and not to unwrap it when I'm ravenous.


Being back in the office and *truly* back in touch with my computers was interesting. As I was reading my plethora of email, I realized that so much can happen in just four short weeks!

• I found out that more than half of my staff is on vacation (I guess I didn't really look at the overlaps on the calendars when the requests came in. Apparently, I just said, "yes" to anything they asked me just before I left. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure I was in an "eff it" kind of mood since about late October.)
• My fairly young and very fit boss, apparently, almost died last week! He had complications after a surgery and ended up almost bleeding out in ICU! I've been working for him for more than five years...I can't believe nobody called to tell me! I'm wishing him a super speedy recovery!
• I forgot that I have a boot camp style class next week for an additional certification related to my job. Ugh. I don't think I'll ever be done with "school." Maybe I chose the wrong profession. CPEs  and certifications suck.
• I also have to be interviewed by some "authority" for some other requirement/certification for my job. Really, people? One at a time, please! I'm already miffed about having to study for the first one. Workouts will take priority! Sorry! (that's the NEW Heather talking... old Heather would have let the gym fall to last priority immediately for her job. No more!)

I sat at my desk, droning through email, and wondering how I was going to fit in a little gym time during my work day. I think this will be one of my greatest challenges. It's not healthy for me to sit at a desk all day and I know I need to break up the lack of physical activity with something! The gym is across campus in another building. Will I have the motivation to get there? How can I get the most out of a lunch time workout?


After a few hours looking through email, I packed up my stuff and left the office. I wanted to be sure I was prepared for the rest of my week and the resumption of my "real life," so I headed to Trader Joe's and bought healthy snacks and meals. I individually wrapped all the meats in the proper serving sizes, so that I could just grab the right portion, defrost, and cook. Trader Joe's is an awesome store for healthy, quick options. Most of the ingredient labels have just the natural food on them - none of the preservatives, man-made substances, fillers, or oils/sugars.


After my grocery store adventure, I headed to the gym. I set up my own little circuit training and it was kind of fun! I was lucky that nobody else was in the gym, or it may have been a little too inconvenient to enjoy. I'm heading back to the gym at 5am, then off to a personal training appointment at 6am, across town. After that, I head to work where I'll attempt to squeeze in a lunch workout session. Then, I'm meeting my friend, Jaclyn, for yoga at 7:30pm back in midtown. Full day tomorrow! I hope that means I'll get a good burn so that I can get safely into the 180's and stop flirting with that 190 mark!


One last note: I just saw Jennifer Rumple (Season 12 at home winner of The Biggest Loser) post that she wants to run a half marathon in April in my neck of the woods! Looks like I have something to focus on for training! Me? A half marathon? Four weeks ago, had someone asked me to run for ANYTHING, I would have said, "No flippin' way... only when chased, and even then I'd first opt for pepper spray." I'm seriously considering entering this half marathon, just to see if I can finish it. I wanted to post this here in my blog so that you can all hold me accountable to proper training and nutrition from now through April.

I feel like I'm ready to take on reality! Wish me luck!

Crap! It's after 11:30pm and I have to be up at 4:30am! Not a good start to the whole "back to reality" quest! Ut oh!

See you on the fit side!
-Heather