Misery is optional! (But it's a tough option to ignore!)

I'm slowly making my way back to positivity! Lately, I've been thinking about how I was so sure of myself when I left Biggest Loser Resort. I was going to conquer my weight issues once and for all! I had just spent an obscene (for me) amount of money on gaining the tools and knowledge to turn fitness into a lifestyle and I was hungry for it!!! It seemed that nothing could stop me! Why is it that just 6 short months later, it became a painfully difficult and arduous task to regain motivation? How could my perspective have changed so drastically?

So, on Monday, I started thinking about life changes... mostly because of the "I'm getting married" conversation I had with my friend... and it dawned on me:
Here was a guy that was on the verge of suicide just three months earlier. Aside from his attitude and address, not much else has changed in his life since then; He still has conflict with his mom, his dad is still dying, he is still struggling with substance abuse (although he is now 40+ days sober! woo hoo!), he has no job, no car, and no real prospects... but he's LIVING! He's happy, motivated, confident, and knows in his heart that his path leads to somewhere positive! What changed for him? How did he get out of his depression? What can I learn from his experience?

I had a bit of a wake-up call! It's my attitude! My choices in how I respond to situations! My attitude and choices have sucked since about mid-February... coincidentally, right about the time I stopped losing weight, stopped writing regularly in my blog, and stopped being consistent with my regimen. I fell into somewhat of a pity-a-thon and a pretty hefty depression.

This is a bit embarrassing, but I'm just going to say it:
I have fought with depression for years, but thought I had a pretty good handle on it for the last few decades... until February of this year. All the forgotten feelings of loneliness, emptiness, despair, and worthlessness, came flooding back, with a vengeance. A vengeance that had built up for years and years and years, just waiting to reveal itself in full force. The logical side of my brain was telling me to not let emotion overrule my thoughts, and to just systematically go about life as though my routine were tasks on a checklist - eventually I HAD to snap out of it. But, as the depression deepened, I found myself bargaining internally to just get out of bed... to get off the couch... to stop eating junk...even to brush my hair. All simple things, but they seemed like painstaking chores in the moments I faced them. When this feeling lasted longer than just a few days, then weeks, then months...I had to admit to myself that I was no longer in control. Logic wasn't working to snap me out of it, and I needed help to cope. So, I sought help.

Going to my appointments gave me a reason to get out of bed at least once per week. The distance to the appointment gave me a reason to run there and back. I refuse to take medication, so I was warned that my mental state was "in the basement" and without medication, it may take awhile to get back to "the first floor." As of two days ago, it felt like I reached that first floor! Ironically, after hearing something that made me very sad! There are still many floors above me, and I know I have to take the stairs, but at least I'm out of that dark, dank, smelly basement!

What better time to get a tattoo??? I fight with various struggles every day. Sometimes I win, but I never fail, because I'll never give up. If I get knocked down 99 times, I'm getting up 100 times.

For those that are around me often, you probably got tired of hearing me say things like, "I'm going to get a tattoo on my back that symbolizes my struggles, triumphs, and hard work." Well, I started it last night! I have a long way to go, as it will eventually trail down to my hip area and the cherry blossoms will be colored in, but I really like it so far. To make it even more special, my bestie that is getting married will be coming with me to my next tattoo appointment and we will be getting tatt'd up together! He's getting a tattoo of his sobriety date. <very cool> We both thought it would make our tattoos more meaningful if we made it a memory of being with each other and supporting each other through the "pain," much as we have in life over the last several months.

Even now, as only a partial tattoo, I love that it reminds me every day, that light can be found in darkness, peace can be found in chaos, and happiness can be found in misery.

One day at a time!

See you on the fit side!
~Heather

Harsh Truths Can Blindside You

Personal Truths. It's only 11:45am, and today has already become a day of learning personal truths. A step on the scale, and three little powerful words... they've come together to force me to ponder my life, look inside my heart, determine what is important to me, and reflect on possibilities.

I constantly have health and fitness on my mind, but lately my actions do anything but reflect my thoughts. I have abused my body with sugar, alcohol, lack of exercise, and fat. Why? To make myself "feel better?" Really? Isn't that insane? None of those things will ever make ANYONE feel better emotionally or physically! At least, not for more than 5 minutes. But, that 5 minutes of satiation can lead to a lifetime of guilt and illness... and it has. All I've been doing is distracting myself from the truths I need to face about the things that cause me pain... and food is my distraction. Perhaps this is the reason I have been so out of touch with my heart.

I decided that I was going to face the abuse I'd subjected myself to lately, and the first step was associating the "damage" with something measurable. That evil scale. I stepped lightly on the scale this morning (as if I was sneaking up on it, or a regular step might register a larger weight).... I found numbers screaming back at me in big, green, glowing numbers - as though they were toxic. I gasped. 188.6!  

Wow. I'm out of control. That's the heaviest I've been since Christmas, and almost 10 pounds in 5 weeks... 4 pounds over just the last 4 days. I've GOT to get it together. This is bad. As if it were a Pavlovian response, self-loathing ensued - No! (My friend's voice entered my head, "Row your own boat!)...I tell mysel to just go to the gym! DON'T beat yourself up! BEAT the problem!

OK... gym clothes on, water bottle and music in hand.

Despite the overwhelming stench of chemical air freshener in the air, I pedaled out a rough 10 miles on the bike and incline-jogged for 3 miles on the treadmill. It was a decent sweat for the first day back in the gym in almost a week. I was content, but I'll need to build up to doing more if I want to lose those 10 pounds before I head to New York in 2 1/2 weeks. For today, it will suffice as a successful day, just because I went.

After the gym, I went home to get ready for a weekly ritual with the same friend whose voice entered my head earlier. We had already had breakfast and dinner this week, but we thought it would be great to squeeze in at least one more morning together because of the holiday. I thought about how great our friendship was becoming and how I was developing a trust with him that I rarely have with friends. He was becoming a true friend! If you'd asked me two years ago if this would ever happen, I would have immediately blurted, "Hell no!" It's taken us over two years to establish what we have today, but I smiled as I thought about how much we've both grown and how much we now mean to each other.

He picked me up in front of my place and immediately said, "You always look nice!" (smile)... that made me feel good!

We drove to our spot and sat at the bar to watch the TVs. We split breakfast like we always do, but something was different today. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was... he was in his gym clothes and scruffy from not shaving, but he had a smile on his face that was unfamiliar to me. "I need to tell you something" he said... I put down my fork and looked in his eyes to show I was listening. His eyes seemed happier than I remembered in the recent past. They had a glint... a sparkle! He had recently made some positive changes in his life and I was helping him through his journey, so I fully expected him to convey some epiphany he recently had, or ask me to embark on another adventure with him (we planned a helicopter ride a few weeks from now to celebrate a recent milestone for him)...My mind raced as I quickly played a little guessing game in my head as to what he would say next.

The three words that followed will echo in my mind forever. I've heard them before from others, but never have they impacted me like they did today...

"I'm getting married."

I almost choked. "What? I'm sorry... I swear you just told me you're getting married." He was beaming! Could this really be happening?

"Yes! In two weeks!"

Two effing weeks!?!? He JUST met her!!! I don't think it's even been 3 months yet! He's had soooo many women, come and go over the years! They're in and out of his life like traffic lights. I thought this was just another stop along the road. I had no idea!!!

A lump welled up in my throat and in the next two seconds, I went through so many emotions, I couldn't speak. After staring at him in disbelief for what felt like eons, I could only say with a smile, "Sorry, I'm just so shocked. I may be speechless for a minute." He went on to say how in love he is and that "they" were going to Vegas in two weeks to tie the knot. Was I jealous? Did I have untapped feelings for him? What is happening? Why do I feel like I can't breathe? Why does my heart feel like a vice is around it and squeezing it to death? Am I losing one of my best friends?

He's kind of been "the man" in my life for a few years. No matter who we've dated, we always had each other! To vent, to cry, to laugh, and to exchange advice. We've been each others' "constant" and now another woman will be taking my place. This hurts. A lot..... a whole lot.

Truth is, I kind of thought in the back of my mind that we were each others' "back up" and I never ever thought he'd get married. Ever! Now, it's happening so fast! I feel like I am losing something important to me and I'm not quite sure how to process that.

So... "truths" were extracted from me unexpectedly today, and have left me a little numb. My eyes burn from crying, but I've wiped my tears and now I just feel hollow. Empty. Sad. I'll allow myself to feel these things for today.

I have to leave on a trip for work in a few minutes, but I packed gym clothes and I'm hoping today's events will drive me toward transforming these "truths" from harsh lessons, into joy.

After I grieve today, I will choose a different reaction. I will not choose misery. I want to change how I would have dealt with this in the past, and I want to choose life, love, and health! One day at a time.

See you on the fit (mentally and physically) side!
~Heather