General Mood: Hopeful and peaceful with a dash of excited
Tonight was massage and chiropractic night for slowly healing back (lower lumbar and coccyx injury). I finished up at 7:30pm and I was sitting in my nice, cozy BLR room, putting together some thoughts about what to write about tonight. I began to feel myself getting a little sad that I tend to miss out on the "fun stuff" at night with other BLR guests, due to my chiropractor/sports therapist appointments during most evenings. I would even go so far to say that I am missing out on some of the camaraderie that others have found with one another. However, I remind myself that am here at BLR to heal my mind, body and spirit of all the ugliness and toxic waste that has overcome me for so long. Hence, I am doing the right thing by putting any therapy first as it is turning me into the person I've always wanted to become in both physical and emotional aspects.
Before I get into other parts of my day, I wanted to share something that is a bit personal:
As I was throwing a miniature pity party in my head for missing tonight's festivities at the Sheraton, I received a call from one of my best friends (Jaclyn) and a text from my brother.
So good to receive a call from a caring voice! Jaclyn and I met through my good friend, Mark (her boyfriend), and we became fast, close friends. My heart broke a little when she and Mark moved 20 miles away because I knew it would be much more difficult to see them with our busy and uncooperative schedules. Thank goodness, we've all managed to stay in touch and any time I hear from either of them, it lifts my spirits exponentially. A smile was immediately back on my face and I felt a little piece of home in my heart.
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| Mark, Jaclyn and Me - Ready to skydive (earlier this year) |
A text from my brother may not sound like much, but it's like pulling teeth to get this guy to respond even monosyllabically to a text on a holiday! Regardless, my brother and I have a very special bond; he just gets me. He is also one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous and gentle men on the planet. He has a tender heart and a beautiful, giving, sensitive nature. Don't get me wrong, though... physically, he is unbelievably strong (See: Lenny from "Of Mice and Men") and he will eff your sh*t up if you cross him or his family. There are legends in our town of him chasing off mal-intented gang members with sheet pans at a donut shop. Yup, sheet pans. But, I digress...
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| My brothers <3 |
He doesn't talk much (sometimes by text and maybe a phone call or two per year), but I still consider us to be very close. I had asked him what he wanted for his fast-approaching birthday (I actually come home the day after his birthday). His response was, "All I want is for my family to be healthy and happy!" This prompted me to share some of my experiences here at BLR and I immediately wished that he was here with me. He would have benefited so much from this experience!
He and I are the only two in our family that truly struggle with our weight and we both battle obesity constantly. He's five years younger than me, but sometimes I fear he will pass on much sooner than I because he's so unhealthy and overweight. This worries me to no end and I struggle to fight back the tears any time I remotely think of the possibility. There has to be some way that I can get through to my brother and help him to love himself enough to help himself! I just wish I knew HOW! As soon as I started explaining things I learned at BLR, he shut down. I'm sure he's sick of hearing about his weight and health, and the last thing I want to do is badger him. I know, from years of badgering, that not only does it NOT work, it has the REVERSE affect. So, I dropped the subject... admittedly a little defeated and sullen that I was not able to reach him one iota. Any suggestions would be wonderful!
OK... back to today :-)
Our hike today to Point Dume (the beach hike), is one of my favorites! There is something so tranquil and calming about waves of water crashing against the sand and rocks, even when you're sweating your chi chis off and panting like a rabid dog in heat. Ahhhh, the ocean! A great way to end the hiking week!
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| Point Dume or bust! |
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| Van 4 and a few from Van 5 |
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| Tide was in, so it was a bit rocky |
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| Someone has long toes :-) |
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| Keith's Harem |
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| I think we convinced TJ that Van 4 does RULE! |
Back at the resort during our lunch, Bernie gave a very inspirational and motivational chat about his journey.
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| Me and Bernie |
There were many things he said that really hit home with me. Surprisingly, I hadn't heard any of the other contestants mention these issues as part of their "at home" challenges at all:
- After you lose weight, you begin to realize that it wasn't your weight that was holding you back from doing __________ (pick anything), it was actually something about you or your character! This was probably the toughest thing for me to face. I lost quite a bit of weight before I came to BLR.... almost 70 pounds total. However, in October, when I subconsciously realized that getting thinner wasn't helping to avoid douchebags (or attract nice guys), I was devastated! I was so sure that had I lost the weight, they would all come flocking to me! Soooo silly! But, boy, was it an eye-opener! I became so depressed, I began eating hoards of awful food and even began eating fast food! I avoid fast food like the plague! I knew something was wrong when I found myself sitting on the couch with an empty box of Milk Duds, full to the point of combustion, and contemplating whether to eat a leftover muffin I had just remembered I had put in the fridge the day before. What was I doing to myself? I was trying to eat away my emotions and insecurities! I had to take an introspective look to see what it was about me, my self-esteem, or my demeanor that attracted toxic men and would also cause me to self-destruct. This was not fun, nor was it easy. You would be surprised how challenging it is to be THAT honest with yourself. I'm convinced many of us, myself included, live in the country of Ego and a state of Denial, while believing we are humble, open, and aware.
- We will all make mistakes after leaving BLR. We need to be realistic about our lives and our food. We can never say "never" to our favorite foods, we just have to be smart about how to approach them, so they don't become a binge that lands you in the plus size store again.
- Do NOT let the scale define you!!!! How ridiculous is it that a piece of metal and a digital display can completely alter your mood, even depress you, in less than a few seconds?!?! Insanity, right??? Most of us will gain and lose weight the rest of our lives, but we can't beat ourselves up for it. Start each meal anew and only worry about what is happening in the present. Don't look back and certainly don't beat yourself up! If you ever heard someone talking to one of your friends or a member of your family the way that you sometimes talk down or critically to yourself, you'd likely kick someone's ass! Isn't that sad? So, stop it.
On a side note: Betty and Cara both suffered injuries today :-( I wish them super speedy recoveries! They're both doing amazing things on their journeys and I wouldn't want to see anything dissuade them or deter their progress. I love you guys!!!
Tomorrow is our weigh-in! I wonder how I did??? I feel good and THAT is what counts the most!
See you on the fit side!
Heather
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