Many of my posts have included heart-felt words for the friends I made in Van 4. I love these people and I believe I have made life-long friends in a few of them.
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| Courtney, Keith and Me... trying to make Keith feel like a pimp |
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| MASH! |
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| What's left of Van 4 on our last beach hike to Point Dume |
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| At the top of the hill that Keith and Courtney pushed me to run up... twice in one day! |
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| More of the MASH site! |
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| I will miss the beach! |
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| Keith looks like he's taking a dump between me and Courtney |
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| You can't see it, but just beyond the camera are 4 hot firefighters playing volleyball. That's what I'm staring at :-) |
Van 4 brought experiences that I'll never forget and forged friendships that will be long-lasting. Even more surprising for me was the fact that my heart happened to open up to one of them in a way I hadn't felt in years. I can't begin to tell you how scary this was for me!
I knew there would be a possibility of meeting someone while at BLR, but I had no idea I would find someone who was able to find his way into my heart so quickly. Unfortunately, I didn't stop to think that he had his own journey to explore and that a new relationship would be an unprecedented challenge to him accomplishing his goals. Couple this with the issues that brought us all to BLR in the first place, a night of drinking, and a nasty ho (who, by the way, KNEW he and I were together but still threw her fire crotch in his face) and that equals a recipe for disaster. What started out as two people discovering themselves together and supporting each other, turned into something ugly and painful during that last night.
It's easiest to continue to blame the situation on the ginger tramp that arrived during the last week, but in reality, she was just a representation of any desperate woman that could have entered the situation. Everything that happened was as a result of our own insecurities as well as pain from our past relationships (and a whole lot of alcohol) that eventually broke the bond and trust we had built. I spent my last night at BLR bawling my eyes out with Courtney (who was dealing with her own haters), and feeling lower than I had felt in years. (Thank you for being there for me and for tearing me away from what was happening to bring me to a safe place to cry.)
It was all so surreal! Just 12 hours earlier, I was laying next to this wonderful guy, snuggling, kissing, and so excited about a new relationship blossoming that my heart would skip when I looked at him. At one point, I even heard him say that he could see himself eventually falling in love with me. It had been so long since I had heard that from a man I cared about, I instantly got a lump in my throat. I couldn't believe this great guy was choosing ME! How did it go from that, to the point where I was hearing whispers about how I was nothing to him, watching him grab a woman inappropriately and go into her room at 2am? How did Courtney, jumping to my defense (trying to deter him from his drunken actions), become the subject of horrible, hateful lashings and bullying from the ginger's friend? How can people be so ugly and cruel? I cried harder that night than I have cried in a long time. My heart was crushed and I was so confused about why there was suddenly so much pain for everyone involved!
I disconnected my room phone, turned off my ringer, put on my headphones and fell asleep.
The next morning (4 hours later), something happened within me that I had not experienced in the past. Normally, after a night like that, I would dread facing the next day. I might curl up in bed and want to "Ben & Jerry's" my way to numbing the pain. For some reason, I didn't feel that way at all! I felt like I had processed the pain during the previous night's sob-fest, and now I was angry! But my anger wasn't rage, it was the kind of anger that propelled me into hyper-drive to finish what I started. I cared about me, first! I wanted to be good to myself and be healthy! I was excited to see my friends, face my demons, and continue my journey! I was even eagerly anticipating my next work out! I finished packing, walked out of my room smiling, and marched down to the dining hall with my head held high. I was genuinely confident and excited about life!
Upon arriving to the dining hall for breakfast, I discovered that he left to go to the airport with the bimbo earlier that morning, so I didn't get the opportunity to face that situation at that time. However, I received an abundance of hugs, love and support from those that were there and I truly felt good! I am so fortunate to have met so many wonderful people! I couldn't have asked for a better send-off and I now know that the whole scenario occurred to show me how much strength and confidence I've gained at BLR.
I've been home since Sunday, the 18th. I arrived at Sacramento airport and drove 90 miles north to visit my parents. I was immediately faced with the challenge of a birthday dinner for my brother, consisting of shortening-covered roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, and chocolate cake for dessert. How ironic is it that I would be faced with an immense amount of comfort food when I would have normally been seeking an immense amount of comfort?
I opted for salmon and veggies with no butter or oil! No chocolate cake either! This is huge for me, since my parents' house usually triggers binge eating with all the wonderful meals and baked goods that my mom magically concocts in her kitchen. The hard work is paying off and I wasn't going to let one meal derail me...It was great to see my family and share my transformation with them!
As for my weight-loss and nutrition part of my last week at BLR...
When I first arrived at BLR, I told the Nutritionist that I wanted to lose 20 pounds in 3 weeks. She looked at me like I was smoking crack and politely stated, "This is more about a lifestyle change and typically you won't see big numbers like you do on the show." Awwww... she didn't realize how stubborn I can be! Although I had a few hiccups during my last few days at BLR, I still lost 20 pounds in just under 3 weeks. I'm smaller, my clothes fit better, and I feel healthier. That's what truly counts!
When I finally came home, I tried on my "goal" jeans. Let's just say that I think True Religion Jeans were made for girls suffering from Noasitol (say it out loud - you'll get it). I'm rethinking my goal jean brand at this point, since I don't ever want to lose so much of my ass that I end up fitting in those jeans :) Maybe Vigoss is a better choice!
Since I've been home...
I immediately found my refrigerator and cupboards to be void of healthy food. Anyone peering into either would have guessed I was a beer and wine-guzzling bachelor who loves hot cocoa and expired cheese. Blech! So, the first day home was tough since I didn't have the right nutrition available to me. I tried ordering chicken and veggies with no butter or oil in a restaurant and it was so salty, I couldn't eat it. I sent it back. I need to go grocery shopping.
My Monday began with an hour on the treadmill, followed by a little weight-lifting, then 75 minutes of yoga and an hour of personal training. It ended with a one mile walk home around Capitol Park. My second day home (Tuesday), was almost identical to the first. I weighed myself Wednesday morning to find that I've lost an additional 7 pounds since last Wednesday, for a total of 27 pounds! 22 more pounds to go!
Today I went the doctor to get my "8 month" pictures taken. Wow... what a difference! I didn't realize just how much my body has changed since March 2011! I'm really happy with the results! It's been a long road and I still have a way to go, but I am loving what I see so far! These aren't the actual "before and afters"...the first pic is from Feb 2011, and the last one if from Monday night of this week. I'll post some of the actual before and after pics once I am able to scan them into my computer. I think you can still see a difference in these, though:
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| I had to wear a men's suit at Skip Barber Racing School in late Feb 2011 |
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| Me, the day after I returned home from BLR |
My biggest struggle since I've been at home? Nutrition and motivation. I know I'm not providing my body the proper balance, and it's affecting my energy levels, which in turn depletes my motivation to workout. Even though I had appointments all day and was only able to squeeze in a short class for a workout, I found that all I wanted to do was sleep. I will focus on this tomorrow, do some grocery shopping, and prepare myself for re-entering my work life and the associated schedule constraints. I'm nervous. If I'm tired now, what will I face next Monday when I return to work? Am I ready for this? How do I achieve balance with my job and new life? It's certainly a time of discovery!
On a side note, the night I arrived home, I received a heart-felt apology from the guy I met at BLR. After a few text messages and voicemails, I decided to speak to him (against the advice of my guy friends). He and I have been talking quite a bit and I think we both wish we could take back that awful night. My mind is telling me to forgive, forget and move on... Why would I want to subject myself to being hurt like that again? Is he truly regretful? Maybe he just can't stand it when someone is mad at him and this is another ruse? I know I could easily meet someone in Sacramento, and he lives all the way across the country...is it worth the effort?
Alas, I can't deny that something about him is unique and special, which still pulls at my heart. When I hear his voice, I smile and melt a little inside. Maybe he's worth the risk? Does everyone deserve a second chance? I'll let life happen and see what it brings :-) With that said, here are some pictures of good times from that night... the times I will remember fondly. No regrets!
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| Me and Tara - Malibu Cafe |
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| Ramon, Me, Jessica, Courtney, and Tara |
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| Awww <3 |
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| Marci, Ramon, Keith, Jessica, and Courtney |
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| iPhone camera doesn't do it justice, but they released paper lanterns into the air at the end of the night... so beautiful! |
Hope you are all doing well and experiencing success! Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it a day of personal achievements!
See you on the fit side!
-Heather
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