At Home - Day 17 (Whining Wednesday & Emo Eating)

 

Inching my way back down to my pre-New Year's Eve weight, ever so slowly. It definitely takes much longer to get it off than to put it on!

I changed the Fat Stats graphic a little bit and BOY, that's bright! Maybe it'll be useful in waking people up! I have a feeling it will be undergoing another change in the near future!

 

 

  

Approximately 1410 Calories

• Breakfast: 4 egg whites, 2 slices of ham, 1 oz of soy cheese, whole wheat sprouted bread <350>
• Snack: 12 raw almonds <100>
• Lunch: 6" Whole wheat Subway sandwich with chicken breast, lettuce, pepperoncinis, tomatoes, and light chipotle sauce <420>
• Snack: organic peppered beef jerky (the entire freakin' bag) <210>
• Dinner: some kind of chicken masala nightmare. I only ate half, but I'm counting all of the calories. <330>

 

 

Approximately 100 calories

• No workout, which means no progress on the like-a-thon, but I used the stairs at work and in the parking garage all day. I know, I know... that doesn't count :-)

I did, however, receive shipping confirmation that my Garmin heart rate monitor is on its way and should be here in two days. I think it will help tremendously to know exactly what my caloric deficit (or surplus) is every day so that I can do something about it the moment the numbers are staring me in the face. On a day like today, it would be nice if the Garmin said, "Get up, you lazy b*tch! You didn't buy me to see how sedentary you could be!" Positive reinforcement ;-)

 

 

  Personal Score:  F (#Epic Fail)

 

 

 

 

I started to write this around 9pm, but fell asleep in front of the computer. Now, I am wide awake at 3am and my mind is racing on overdrive. Life and job stressors have re-entered my world with a vengeance! I am trying to hang on to the memories of de-stressing at Biggest Loser Resort; Getting a full night's sleep, the excitement of my hair not falling out anymore, having an awesome support system, reducing my pain levels, and the massive reduction in my cortisol levels. Emphasis on the word "memories."

Unfortunately, those fond memories are becoming more distant. My hair is starting to fall out again (which means my cortisol levels are probably elevated... again) and I'm venturing a guess that lack of sleep isn't helping the situation either. (I know, my genius-level analysis is astounding, isn't it?) I also caught myself slipping into emotional eating again tonight. Not this BS again... aren't we done with this? Is there any way I can lobotomize that one part of my brain? Maybe Botox it or something?

Emo Eating

I felt myself getting a little blue in the middle of the day today, but just attributed it to very little sleep the night before and the fact that it was Wednesday. Wednesdays, historically, have been "down" days for me, so I try not to pay too much attention to my mood and just push through it. Thursdays are often much better. Plus, I was in my office today and I knew I'd be interacting with people and keeping busy, so I felt like I had great coping tools at my disposal.


Toward the end of the day, the things I had planned (in order to remain busy and active) were suddenly changed. I had a workout and a backup workout planned with workout partners. Both canceled. I had a dinner planned with a friend. Canceled. So, I decided I would take my free evening and head to Whole Foods to buy some snacks, fruits, and quick organic meals for those days when I'm so rushed to get out the door, I have to give myself a double-take in the mirror to ensure I remembered to put on pants.

Many minor errors in judgement and planning commenced thereafter, leading to the Emo-Eating:

1. I didn't pack an appropriate snack for the end of my work day.
2. I went shopping while I was hungry.
3. I went shopping while I was feeling somewhat alone and sad about the canceled plans.
4. I didn't make a grocery list.
5. I didn't start my shopping in the perimeter of the store.
6. I went to a store where I was not familiar with the layout.
7. I knew I was in the wrong mindset to make healthy choices, but I went anyway.

The above resulted in me grabbing three bags of jerky and other foods that I should only be consuming in strict moderation or when I am desperate for fuel. As soon as I came home, of course I opted for whatever was quickest and easiest! I washed and ate a cup of Ranier cherries (yum!), and opened a bag of jerky while I microwaved an organic Indian Chicken Masala entree. At first, I just nibbled on two pieces of jerky while my entree finished heating. Once the ding of the microwave signaled that dinner was ready, I carefully picked all the peas and carrots out of the basmati  rice (why do people put that stuff in rice? It belongs in dog food and pot pies, not rice) and mixed it with what appeared to be chicken and masala sauce. I'm not sure what it was, but it tasted like rubber tofu and dirt. I knew I should have stuck with the Trader Joe's brand! I don't do well with being disappointed in my food when I am hungry. I threw out more than half of the inedible nastiness and went straight back to the jerky. Instead of taking one portion of jerky out of the bag, I took the whole bag with me to the couch. <enter ominous music>

I finished that bag of jerky on auto-pilot before I could get through a full TiVo'd episode of New Girl. 210 calories. BOOM! I know it could have been much worse if I had super unhealthy snacks in the house, but I'm sure the sodium was high and I didn't even stop to evaluate why I was eating the entire bag until there were two bites left. At that point, I looked at the bag and asked myself:

• "Are you hungry?": No. But, I kept eating. Internal dialogue: "Why leave two lousy bites? That's not enough to satisfy me later, so I may as well finish it now. Besides, I don't want an almost-empty bag lurking in my cupboard. That's just clutter." I am quite convincing toward myself when it comes to food. If I could just channel that into working out, I'd be GOLDEN!
• "Do you need this?": No! But it's yummy... chomp chomp.
• "What are you thinking about right now?": I'm not feeling motivated and I didn't work out today...I need a new car (LaFonda, my Honda, wouldn't start today for a few minutes in the Whole Foods parking lot. Kind of embarrassing as she burped, gurgled and died like a trauma patient)...Why haven't I heard from my boss?...and I'm starting to - scratch that - I am well within the throws of completely disliking some aspects of my job because I'm getting bored for the first time in five years. Heather + Bored = Antsy Emo Eating. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty to keep me "busy" when it comes to my job, but most of it is becoming mind-numbingly mundane, monotonous, unstimulating and the opposite of intellectually challenging. I may regret stating that since I recently gave my boss the URL to this blog, but these are thoughts/feelings I've already shared with him in the recent past.

 

I guess it goes without saying that the nutrition part of my program is much more difficult than I anticipated. Especially since mistakes have long-lasting, dire consequences, but are SO easy to commit!

 

Sometimes I feel so powerless against food, I just can't see the point in fighting it any longer. Thank goodness I've learned these thoughts, although extremely powerful, are fleeting and do eventually disappear. I've also learned that cooking takes just enough time out of my day where I am unable to keep up with tidying up the house. This bums me out because I need my environment to be clean and tidy. I cooked dinner last night and my home still feels messy and chaotic. I might have to look into cooking one day on the weekend and freezing the food, or purchasing pre-packaged meal plans. I fear the meal plans, though. Normally, the selections are strange and if they taste anything like that boxed Masala crap from Whole Foods, I will not be a happy camper.

One last note for the day. I was able to fit into a dress that has had the tags on it for almost 4 years. Granted, it's somewhat out of style now, but it is a size 10 Tahari and it fit! I wore it to the office today and took a picture of myself to show my colleague, Lisa, my weight loss progress. It's not the best picture, but people kept walking by and looking at me strangely through my office window whenever I held up the iPhone for a self-portrait, so I had to do a quick-sneak-snap. Lisa said she could see a difference in my face and my booty. Lisa is very honest and I love her for it! Apparently, my face gets pretty fat and loses definition when I gain weight. Haha! I was aware my booty gets large after someone told me a few months ago, "I like your J-Lo booty." (um... thanks?)... it's much smaller now.  I just noticed that I still have my headset on in the picture below... it really WAS a quick-sneak-snap! Notice my new fitness ball in the background, acting as my chair? I love it!

Ut oh. It's now 5:15 AM and I hear the garbage trucks in the alley. Four hours of sleep will not bode well for me today and I think I need to see a doctor because I am not feeling well in my kidney area... probably jerky karma! That's part of what is keeping me awake, but the doctor's office doesn't open until 9am.

 

Sorry, all... I just proof-read this and it feels like a whiner's blog! But, it's how I felt at the time and a perfect example of what happens with lack of sleep. Let this be a lesson to you! Sleep is SOOOooooo important on your weight loss journey! Try to make it a priority! It's almost 6 AM now. I'm going to try to catch an hour of sleep and see if that helps at all.

 

One more inspirational quote to close it out:

 

 

 

See you on the fit side!
-Heather